ma'am, step away from the pen.

My computer sat on the table in front of me, screen open with the name of my blog looking up at me like a girlfriend just waiting to get the scoop after you went out on a date with your dream guy.   I would set my fingers on the keys and open my mouth, about to tell the story and then pull  back my hands immediately.  Like I had suddenly touched a hot plate, i recoiled from the laptop and placed my hands in my lap.  Quietly shutting the computer and putting a halt to the story that wanted to emerge....I just couldn't.

I was stuck.

Stuck in a spot where there was nothing to write.   I wasn't dating anyone and I was just over the entire search.  My heart was exhausted from meeting guy after guy only to find that they weren't the one that I was looking for.  I was now just becoming obsessed in finding "HIM" and it no longer was real anymore.  I no longer felt like I would meet anyone that would be worth a damn and I just was plain OVER IT.

So, I put my computer away.  I put my blog away and silenced the part of me that was on a quest to meet the guy of her dreams.  There was nothing natural about the process I was putting myself through and there was nothing but stress and heartbreak in my life.  I was tired of getting my hopes up only to be thrown into a reality where I would once again put a "1" in the rsvp column of my life.

And then my mom got cancer.

I remember that day so clearly and keep in mind I can barely remember what i had for breakfast yesterday.

I can still see the table, covered in kleenexes.
I can still feel the tears, relentless in their delivery, falling so quickly that I finally stopped fighting them.
I can still see my shoulders, my body, my head hung down in disbelief.

Cancer.
Colon Cancer
My son was upstairs and I remember hanging up with my mom and going to talk to him about it.  He sat up in bed and put his arms around me.  I let the tears fall, no longer trying to hid the fact we have all been waiting for the reports to come back from the doctor.  Her colonoscopy had shown signs of polyps and she was to undergo a colonoscopy to remove part of her colon.

Then there would be chemo.
You are joking, right God?  Like I didn't have enough challenges in my life at this point.  I was a single mom of a young boy, barely making it through my month, always stressing about money, always stressing about relationships, and now you decide to give me this?  I was mad....no I was IRATE.  I couldn't understand why this had to happen.  My parents were planning on picking up and moving to Texas after living their entire lives in Wisconsin.  I was so excited to have them come and live close by after so many years of struggling as a single mom,...I was going to have help.

But I never invited cancer...but it showed up anyway.

Unannounced.
Uninvited.
Like that awkward girl at the party that your boyfriend slept with while you were dating him.

My mom decided to go with the chemotherapy after I and doctors convinced her she would die if she didn't.  "I want you to be at Sam's wedding...I want you to be at my wedding for God's sake!!  Fight this mom."

I had no experience with cancer or chemotherapy.  I had no knowledge of chemo bags or oncologists or ports....the only thing I knew about cancer was what I saw on tv.  Always a woman with a scarf and lying in bed talking about fighting.  They never show you the ugly stuff.  The stuff that really hit home and made you feel like the most helpless person on this earth.  That moment when your mom is lying on the couch cringing in pain and can't even get up to go to the bathroom because she is so sick.  That moment when you touch her forehead for the thousandth time because you are sure her fever has gotten worse.  That moment where you sit on your bed with your head in your hands and finally cry the tears you have been holding in for the last month so she doesn't see your fear.

No, tv only shows you people crossing finish lines in a cancer t shirt and hugging their grandkids saying things like "I didn't think that I would be here."

I was so mad.  I was angry because God took my mom and made her the daughter and pushed me to the front of the line and handed me the "mom" shirt.  I was thrown into my new life and role reversal became my life.  I made sure she ate, monitored her medications and lived in a haze for that 9 months.  My calendar had large numbers on it showing the days of chemo....the days where they would strap a bag of chemo to her like a pageant badge and send her away for two days.  I hated every minute of it and just wanted to climb into the driver seat of my car and go somewhere where I wouldn't have to see her suffer.  Where I wouldn't have to see her face cringe when she moved or watch her literally pull her hair out of her head.  My mom was falling apart (literally) in front of my eyes,..and there was nothing left in my world but cancer.

So when people said "what happened to your blog?  It was so funny" I just didn't know what to say.  So often I would come home and stare at my laptop like it was a grandparent that I knew that i had to call but just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I couldn't even look at it....

And then I thought, why not write about it?  Yes it's painful, no it's not funny and it's ok to not have a warm and fuzzy Folgers moment with everything you write.

So here I am.
Writing about the not so pretty stuff and knowing that it is, in some way shape or form, turning me into the person that I am.  And so I opened the laptop and opened my blog and selected the "new post" option that has been frightening me for so long.

Looking back, I don't know why I say this or if this is just my way of dealing with it, but i think about what Cancer brought into my life.  What it brought into our lives.  Sure it sucked but I can't take away the fact that it happened.  I can't stop it from being a part of my mom's life or my life or my dad's life.  We are still dealing with it everyday and it has been months since that port was sewn up and the last chemo day scratched off the calendar.  I had to look at cancer in a new way and not give it the wings that it had for so long with me.  I instead had to look at it for what it brought to our lives.

It brought my parents here.  For months they talked about moving and once my mom found out about the diagnosis she made a definite date for moving to Texas to live with me.  I don't think they would have come here if it were for the cancer as quickly as they did.

It made me look at my relationships with the people in my life and know that they are not immune to anything.  It made me look at my relationship with my son and know that it could happen to me.  Cancer made me hug tighter, laugh longer, smile brighter.....it was the only way that I could deal with what hand had been given to me.

And now we are moving forward.  We aren't at the finish line yet.  We are taking each day as it is, a gift.  Cancer is still in our lives, it's like a ghost that still floats down the hallways of our home and hovers over us not saying a word.  We don't talk about it or look at it but we know it is still around.  I am ok as long as it doesn't make contact with me, my son or anyone else in my life.  In a weird crazy way, I respect it for what it brought to my life...but I don't want to give it anymore power than it already had.

So yeah...my life took a silent crazy turn.  My stories were put to rest for a bit and my dating life was the last thing I even wanted to think about.

And amidst all this craziness that was whirling about in my life, while I was head down in my sorrow and worrying about my family and what was next for them.....

Sarah met someone...and yeah....it was when I wasn't looking.

Ghost Island

"how did the date go last night?"  The text came through that morning as she was lying in bed, a smile still plastered on her face from the memory of the evening before.  She leaned over and searched for her glasses on the nightstand.  "it went great, amazing....fantastic."  She typed back to her friend, wishing she could go back to last night where she was sitting by him.  How the brush of his leg against hers as they sat at the bar sent a jolt of energy through her body that she had never felt before.  She typed back about how he was really sweet and everything she thought and hoped he would have been.  "he was so funny, very witty."  It was at that moment the phone rang and her girlfriends voice on the other side said "spill it"

With a smile she recapped the evening.  How he met her at a bar and was there before she was, how they sat down and had a glass of wine at the bar and then moved to dinner.  How he looked at her when she talked and listened intently.  She explained the funny things he said and how they had this amazing first date chemistry that you only dream of.  Her friends excitement at the story continued to fuel HER excitement on the date.  "He asked me out again tonight, I said yes."  Her friend could feel her beaming from across the line "where are you guys going? "  "He invited me to a friends house for a party, I am really looking forward to seeing him again, last night went to fast."  

The night had gone to fast.  She arrived at 7pm and in the blink of an eye it was almost midnight.  He had walked her to his car and smiled at her while he brushed the hair away from her face.  She looked up at him in a shy way and he leaned in to give her a sweet kiss and then they hugged for a moment.  The chemistry between them was unmistakable.  Both of them felt it but were afraid to acknowledge it, it was way too fast and they only just met.  "I had fun tonight, can I call you tomorrow?"  She smiled at him and nodded slowly and breathed "yes, I would like that."  

The entire ride home both of them smiled uncontrollably.  He, in his car thumping his fingers on the steering wheel and feeling like he had won the lottery.  She, in her car, music blaring over the radio, singing at the top of her lungs a sappy love song.  Both were in massive crush mode.  Both did not want the night to end.  She pulled into her driveway and pulled out her phone, a text from him sitting on her phone like a beacon in the night "thank you for an amazing night, I really had fun and can't wait to see you again." She giggled like a little girl and wrote back "me too."  Then the three little dots came back immediately to signify that he was writing to her "Not sure what your plans are tomorrow night but a buddy of mine is having a party at his house, do you want to join me?"  She bounced up and down in the seat of her car and wrote back "yes, sounds like fun.  Let's chat tomorrow"   The three little dots followed by "sounds good, sleep well beautiful."  

That next day, she drove to his house.  She walked up the steps to his place and he met her with a huge smile on his face.  He was so glad to see her, she looked just as good as last night.  Could this girl be any more perfect for him?  She was funny, sweet, and talkative.  But more than anything, she was REAL!!  The last few girls he had dated had been so superficial, wanting to be wined and dined every night and their conversation was always about gluten free this or what yoga class they were going to.  This girl, she was different.  She was genuine, and he wanted to be next to her every chance he could get.  

They climbed into his car.  She looked at him as he drove and they talked about their families and what crazy people they had in their lives.  They laughed and talked about everything possible in those 30 minutes in the car, from holidays to hairstyles.  It was just natural and as they spoke their hands found each other and his thumb stroked hers while he explained who would be at the party.  

She was excited about this, he was already wanting to introduce her to his friends, bring him into his world.  She stood in the kitchen and talked to a group of his friends while he was outside on the patio.  He could see her through the kitchen window and he loved how she could hold her own.  The people around her were laughing and she was telling a story with animation and his friends sat back and listened intently.  She glanced out at him on the patio with his buddies, beer in hand, and felt her heart twitch.  They were talking about some game that was on last night and they were all laughing about something he said.  He looked up and caught her glance and made his way toward her.  He moved into the house and stood by her, towering a good 3 inches above her.  "You having fun?"  he asked, his hand finding hers again.  She rested her head on his shoulder and said "yeah, absolutely."  She did not want to admit it, but this was the most fun she had had in a while.  And they weren't doing anything fancy or major, just the fact that this man was next to her was enough.  She felt a strange feeling when she was next to him, she couldn't place her finger on it but it was there....it was.....uhm.....(enter a snapping noise)  confidence.  She felt confidence.  Something she hadn't felt for a long time.  

That night as they made their way to the car, he looked at her and said "well you were an absolute hit with my friends"  She laughed and tucked her hair behind her ear, "yeah, well I really liked them too."  he leaned in and gave her a beautiful kiss, and passion flooded her mind while he wrapped his arms around her.  He pulled away to look at her, to study her face, and thought "yep, this is the girl I have been waiting for."  She looked up at him, letting one of her eyes close to focus on his eyes as if to say "yep, I have been waiting for you too,"  That night they parted and the same text message came through on the way home.  "Can't wait to see you again, is that weird?"  She smiled and tears filled her eyes "No, not at all."  she typed.  Her heart was thumping harder now.  She wanted to turn around and be by him, just to lie next to him.  "Good night beautiful, I will call you tomorrow if that is ok."  She wiped a tear away and typed back "yes, good night to you too."  

She walked up the stairs to her room and lied on her bed.  Could this be it?  Could this be the guy she was looking for?  They always said when you know you know....but is this what knowing is like?  She couldn't wait to see him again and she fell into a quick sleep thinking about his arms wrapped around her.  

The next morning was Sunday.  She opened her eyes and grabbed her phone. Every morning for the last three weeks that she had been talking to him, and then after their first few dates he had texted her "morning beautiful" .  This morning there was nothing.  She didn't think much of it and went downstairs to make coffee.  By 11:30 there was still nothing from him.  Not that she was demanding a message from him, but it was just weird to talk to him every morning and today he was quiet.  "happy Sunday"  She finally typed to him.  She set her phone down and got ready to go to the grocery store.  By 4pm that afternoon, he had still not replied.  She talked to her friend who convinced her that she was over reacting and that of course he liked her.  "He introduced you to his friends, a guy doesn't just do that unless he likes you."  She nodded but knew deep in her heart that something was off.  At 8:45 pm that night, a text came through "happy sunday to you too.  Busy day for me."  And that was it.  It was still a message but it was....different.  "Oh yeah" she messaged back "me too."   She lied because she didn't want him to know that had stared at her phone all day and how her heart jumped when she saw a text but that it turned out to be from her mom.  

The week started slow for her.  The skip she had in her step on Friday had turned to a slow walk.  The days went by and nothing had come from him.  They had talked almost constantly for the three weeks, almost to the point where she wasn't getting any work done.  By Thursday, she was crushed.  He had not answered her last text and she was feeling her heart swell with sadness.  "it's like he's gone, I don't know what happened.  It was going so well, we had so much fun on those few dates."  Her friend listened to her as they shared a bottle of wine.  She handed her phone over to her girlfriend as she read through the text messages.  The messages started out sweet and flirty and then became more and more endearing.  Their conversation took on the turn of a Nicholas Sparks book, with a little comedy and a touch of drama.  The last conversation of "Good night beautiful, I will talk to you tomorrow" was followed by the 180 turn of his last text stating how busy he was. 

"Maybe he is busy,"  Her friend commented to her one night as they sat outside and munched on pizza and sipped on a beer.  "Maybe he just wanted to slow things down."  Her friend took a long drink of her beer and set it on the table, picking up a piece of pizza "maybe he felt things were going to fast."  The girl picked up her phone and thumbed through the messages as if reading them would put her back in that moment.  "I don't think so.  He not only slowed down, he slammed on the brakes and now there is a beeping noise because he is going in reverse."  

The girl sat on her bed later that night and stared at her phone.  She wasn't crazy, she wasn't psycho or  fabricating things in her head....this guy had been into her and she had been into him and just like that,, he was gone.  

"What if he got hit by a car?  What if that night on his way home he got into a car accident and is lying in a hospital somewhere and his phone got damaged in the accident and he is wondering where I am?" The girl was leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in her hand while she spoke to her colleague.  Two weeks had passed and nothing, not a word.  She even sent him a text on a whim three days prior to see if he would respond.  He hadn't and her hopes of seeing him again were beaming like that of a movie she couldn't remember the ending to.  Yes, it had only been a few dates and yes they only knew each other a short time but....what happened?  Something had to have happened.  "he didn't get into a car accident."  Her colleague brought her out of her deep thought, "he just...moved on, met someone else, got scared,...there are a ton of options of what could have happened. "  The girl felt like she had been lied to.  Like her instincts had been off  or that her heart had been playing a trick on her.  She had never felt like that before, the level of chemistry she felt with him was real...and she couldn't figure out what made it all go away.  It just didn't make sense.   

This scenario above is all to true to me.  It has happened to my friends, it has happened to me.  It is what they call "Ghosting".  You meet someone, think things are going well then all of a sudden they are gone.  And the thing that hurts the most is knowing that you had something, and now you have nothing.  It is frustrating as hell to go from being one way with someone to being a completely different way.  I know that the girl in this story was shaking her head trying to figure out what happened, what she may have said or did to make everything change so quickly.  

"I think he has been kidnapped"  She said one day to her friend. "He was on his way home that night and he was abducted"  Her friend looked at her like she had lost her mind "Ha..yeah, like he was just walking around one night and WHOOMP, the ground opens and he gets swallowed by the earth and wakes up in a dark room with no cell phone."  The two began to continue on this tale, the tale of how these men that were in the beginning stages of falling in love with the girl that they were dating then they get abducted and sent to a place where there is no way to contact the woman they love.  A place called...Ghost Island.

"I imagine all these people, sitting around a campfire, talking about what happened when they were kidnapped.  One guy would say, I was just about to hit send on a text that asked her out for the next day then just like that, I woke up in a dark room where they took my cell phone and told me I could never see her again.   It broke my heart, I really loved her."

The girls knew they were full of crap, but the truth was they needed something to explain what happened to these men.  Why they were so endearing and fully gung ho on winning them over only to go into complete ninja stealth mode and never to be heard from again.

"She loves pigs"  My friend and I were sitting at a bar one night, drinking and trauma bonding over internet dating.  "I'm sorry, what?"  I asked, looking at him over the top of my straw.  "She likes pigs, all sorts of 'em.  Stuffed, real, it don't matter, she LOVES pigs."  I placed my drink down and began to say something, only to hold back my thought for one minute.  "You mean to tell me, you have met this girl, fallen for her, wined and dined her, and now you are having second thoughts about her because she likes pigs."  He shrugged his shoulders as if to say....so.  I pursed my lips in a moment of thought and looked at the clouds passing by.  It was amazing, and it absolutely stumped me that the reason this poor girl was going to be dumped was because he saw a picture of her and her friends in her room on Facebook and there were stuffed pigs on her bed.  That was it...a PIG cost her a relationship with a great guy.  "Well she must not love pigs THAT much because she doesn't like you."  I said it quickly and looked at him sharply.  He was the reason that every girl didn't get a second chance with a guy.  Because he was too damn picky.  And if she didn't fit every single one of those things on his list, it was ok, because there was another girl just a swipe away.

This conversation with this person just angers me.  I think about what I did or had or loved or said I loved that made a relationship go to the wayside.  I love cheese, did THAT set off a lactose intolerant lover?  I drink beer, and I drink crappy beer.  Did that send my crafty suds man packing?   There is no way of knowing what it is that made them disappear.

I still think Ghost island is real....I don't care what anyone says.

all you can eat buffet

Orange Chicken
Fried Rice
Grilled chicken
Beef with Broccoli
Steamed Veggies
egg rolls

He clutched the white plate in his hand looking at all the options on the buffet.  An endless variety of foods that left his mouth watering.  So many different varieties of foods, each one with a spot on his plate.  He reached out a hand and grasped the silver spoon and poured a little of each onto his plate.  Each one with it's perfect spot until his platter looked like an artist's palate.  The mountain of food overflowing, his hand balancing the plate carefully as not to spill.  His buddy walked over to him and looked at him with a puzzled look.  "Dude, don't fill up on all of this stuff, there is another side over there that has BBQ and then Italian food.  You need to leave some room!!"  He patted his stomach with one hand while the platter sat in his other hand with just two egg rolls rolling around like straws on a table on a windy day.  His buddy looked over at the other two buffets, then down at his own creation and immediately wanted to see what else was out there.  He stood on his tippie toes and caught a quick glimpse.   Spaghetti, Lasagna, BBQ ribs...there were so many options.  He made his way over to the table, grabbed a fork and grudgingly dipped into his fried rice.  With thoughts of the garlic breadsticks and cheesy manicotti he raced through a few bites of his plate and then waved to the server to take his plate away.  "are you done here sir?" the waiter questioned while looking at his practically full plate "yes I am, I don't want this anymore."  And he made his way over to the other buffet, where there was promise of something better....more interesting....more full filing.

This is how I describe online dating to people that just don't get it.  Its like a buffet.  People get all excited about what they see, but when they sit down to it and REALLY get into the heat of it, they can't help but wonder what else is out there.  If this particular item does not fulfill every last need I have in my dating needs I will just get someone to bring me a new plate.  Because there is always something new out there.

I have a lot of friends that do online dating, and the biggest complaint they have, and that I have, is that nobody makes it past the first date.  If you go out on a date and there aren't fireworks shooting out of her ass or if she doesn't have a magical vagina that blows you strawberry kisses, then he will just move on to the next one.  I remember back in the day you used to fall for someone after you got to know them.  After you got to spend time with them you would look at them a different way.  Almost like the way a dog looks at you when you say the word "park" or "walk", you just see them in a different way and you find out that you have things in common and that you really are starting to fall for this person.  Now, you feel like a contestant on American Idol where you have only a few minutes to just blow the judges away!!  You wear your best outfit, spend hours on your hair and make up and hope to GOD that this one sticks!!  You walk into the first date clutching onto any hope you have that possibly this one might be the one.  You have amazing conversation, laugh at each others jokes, get the butterflies when he touches your leg by accident, and you envision him meeting your parents.  He walks you to your car, kisses you in the parking lot, brushes your hair away from your face, tells you how beautiful you are and that he had an amazing time, then he hugs you and you go home with the biggest smile on your face.  You go home and text your best friend and tell her how great it went and you think about how he will make you coffee in the mornings and you both will pick out a yellow lab puppy and walk arm and arm in the middle of summer while you fall in love.

Then the next day comes.
And the next.
And you stare at your phone wondering why he isn't texting.
You text your friend "he hasn't texted me"
You text him.
He doesn't text back.
you sit on your bed and wonder if he may be lying in a ditch somewhere or in a hospital because a near death experience is the ONLY thing that could have possibly kept you from your new love!!
But he is not in a hospital.
He is not on his death bed.
He has already waved down the waiter and has moved on to the next buffet.
While you were perusing Pinterest for your engagement photo idea, he was licking his fingers from the 1/2 rack of ribs he just demolished.
you are old news.

I don't get it. I don't understand why if it isn't this magical amazing fantastic gut wrenching connection on the first date that you get discarded like an empty soda can.  Not a second thought, he is moving on.  No more "well I really started to like him on the fifth date" no more "he really grew one me"  It's a one time "give it all you got there are tons more where you came from" mentality.

Yes, in the age of online dating, there are just too many options.  If you don't have all he is looking for, you will not make the cut.  The thought that there is something better, more exciting, hotter, sexier, thinner, fatter, curvier, funnier, this all entices people to keep shopping....

There is no need to try and get to know anyone anymore.  If they don't sweep you off your feet in the first five seconds, if you don't send the guy into a standing ovation sports moment that makes you want to fist pump your buddies and high five your brother....you better get ready to move on.

Even after he is done eating.  Leaning back in his chair, wiping the bbq sauce from his face with the back of his hand, he pats his stomach and thinks "I cannot eat another bite"  he leans back in his chair and thinks "I am completely satisfied!! I don't need anything else in my life"  He is able to catch the score of the ball game from where he is sitting, then he catches a glimpse of the dessert table and his mind goes "well, well, well, what do we have here?"  All of a sudden the feeling of content is moved aside and is replaced with his desire to check out what else is available.  With one hand he motions the waiter to the table and the plate is removed "are you all done here sir?"

"Yes, yes I am all through with this.  I thought I was good, but I see something else I am interested in, so....you can take this one away."  He pushes the plate away from him and makes his move to the land of apple pie, ice cream and macaroons, never looking back.

We will see....

"What can I get you?"  the bartender handed me a wine list and I made myself comfortable in my seat.  It was early and the bar had a few open seats still so I grabbed one and threw my jacket and purse on the empty one next to me.  "Just a glass of chardonnay please."  I scanned the room, making sure that I would be visible from the door and pulled out my journal.  My pen began the normal script "waiting for a date, his name is Jim.  Seems like a nice guy...we will see."

"We will see"

That phrase has hung off my tongue so many times I feel like it should be on my business cards under my name written in italics.  I sat up in my seat pulling at the sides of my shirt so to not appear frumpy.  I had packed extra clothes with me and changed in my office, touched up my make up and fixed my hair.  I was ready.

But what was I ready for?  To meet YET another guy where I would go through my personal biography like bullet points in an interview.  Asking him questions, waiting the appropriate amount of time to ask the next.  Trying to find the line between figuring out if he is the guy for me or if he would make a great addition to the front desk team at the hotel.  And then he walked in, looking exactly like his photo.  I turned in my seat and smiled..."YOU KNOW WEHRE THE BATHROOM IS?"  He shouted as if we were at a concert and the look on my face had to be that of someone that has just been told they owed 1,250.00 for their cat's hip fracture at the vet.  "uhm...Hi!"  I said, turning my head to look at him with a pause.  "Are you Jim?"  "YEAH"  he said, still yelling "DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS?"  I pushed my lips together and pointed toward the end of the hall.  He walked away from me and I checked the time 7:13....

He made his way back from the bathroom and sat down next to me.  I studied his face, his teeth a little crooked but he was cute.  He wouldn't look at me straight on and glared at me out of the side of his right eye like you would someone that you didn't trust.  I grabbed the wine menu "do you know what you want to drink?  I know you said you weren't much of a drinker."  He looked at it and extended his arms and squinted at the menu.  I held back a laugh "do you need glasses?"

"I DON'T NEED GLASSES, I HAVE A CATARACT "  I glanced around the room to see if there was a band setting up in the back or if there was some reason he felt he needed to raise his voice with me. "JUST GET ME SOMETHING CHEAP AND RED."

I motioned for the bartender and ordered him a great 1954 bottle of "le cheapo rojo" and then turned my chair to face him.  Our conversation in the beginning was me looking at him, and him glaring at me from the corner of his right eye.  I listened to him talk about how he liked motorcycles but only had parts of them, he did not own an entire motorcycle.  I asked him if he sat on his couch with just the handlebars and pretended to drive complete with the vroom vroom noises.  He did not flinch at my question.  I looked at the clock.   7:16.

"do you guys want anything to eat?"  The bartender and only person speaking correct english besides me, at this point, walked over to us and said in a sing songy voice.   "Well, I ate lunch pretty late so I am not very hungry"  Sideways Jim looked at me straight on for the first time that night and said "PUNK!!  WHY DID YOU EAT?"  I glanced over at the bartender who was oblivious to my plea for help via me batting my eyelashes in morse code...Get me out of this!!  "Well, are you hungry?"  I asked Jim..."UHM YEAH, I'M STARVING."  The extended hands returned and he attempted to read the menu with one eye closed.  I rested my mouth on my hand to contain my whimpering.  "They have some really great (and hopefully quick) appetizers here.  The stuffed peppers are really nice..." "DO YOU HAVE CHICKEN FINGERS AND MACARONI AND CHEESE?" He interjected.   The bartender, again just downright ignoring my NOW lack of blinking at all, said in the same sing songy voice "you bet."  Is that it for you guys? "   "Yes, that will be it."

 I smiled and glanced at my watch.  7:21.

Now, I talk with a LOT of people in my job and I can talk to anyone about anything, but the level of entertainment of this evening tops them all as the most irrelevant conversation I have EVER had.  We talked about my son, of course, then talked about his motorcycle parts and how he really did not date much (you mean, got out much?)  At one point in the night I looked around to see where the cameras were set up as I am SURE I was getting punked right now.  My friends would pop out of the kitchen all laughing hysterically at how they "GOT ME" and I would look at Jim and say "I knew you couldn't be that dense of a human being."

But nobody came out of the kitchen.

And the night was just a joke.

I then decided that I needed to treat him like a client and ask him questions until the night was over.  It was now 7:39 and my 6 trips to the bathroom were getting a little redundant.  I just thought the bathroom was much more exciting then listening to captain chicken fingers talk about his love for motor oil.  "What do you do for fun on the weekends?"  I said, watching him shovel the 13.00 order of macaroni and cheese with truffle oil into his mouth in record time. "well I don't do much."  I waited for him to continue as he motioned to offer me the last chicken finger and I waived my hand away in denial.  "well you have to do SOMETHING."  I looked at him intently as he glared up at the ceiling searching for some type of statement that did not include the word uhm or uh.  "I like movies."  He smiled at me very sweetly and I said "ok, I like movies too.  Curling up on the couch, eating pop corn,...do you make popcorn?"  I was now switching my delivery in a tone like you would a 7 year old. If I were standing I would have my hands on my knees and bending over to talk with him.  "I do like popcorn...." he is now slapping his hand on his knee and snapping as if trying to figure out what to says "orville redenbacher, now that guy makes a good popcorn."

7:43

He then gets up and goes to the bathroom.  The bartender comes by and I grab him by the collar (ok not really but I wanted to)  "you get me the check and you get it now."  The bartender slowly backed up and printed the check.  Captain Chicken fingers returned from the bathroom and saw that my glass was empty.  "You want another drink?"  The bartender had a hand out to Jim and he looked at me as if to ask permission.  I mentioned that I could not have another glass because I had to drive.  Jim decided to have another glass and I began to survey the room for ways to hang myself.

Our conversation went on to talk about other things.  I asked him if he had kids and he scoffed "I don't want no fucking kids"  I closed my eyes for a minute and shook my head so to regain composure.  "oh...not a fan?"  I looked at the bartender again, ready to throw my wine glass at him wondering how I can explain to the judge that it was self defense against the worst date in the history of time.  The bartender places one hand on the register and looks at us "should I put this on one bill or split it?"  Captain Chicken fingers looks at me and grits his teeth together and sucks in air waiting for me to answer. "you can go ahead and split it."  He releases the air and looks at me for the first time all night.  "THANK YOU"

Sure thing.
8:02

"Well, I have to go, I need to work in the morning."  I said, and Jim stands up with me and walks over to the door.  I have just spend 32.00 on chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese that should be served by Gordon Ramsey on the food network and I want to run out the door.  "I will walk you to your car."  He says...I grimace at the idea of having to be with him any longer and agree to let him walk with me the one short block to my hotel.  "So, who else are you dating, I mean , who is my competition?"   I face him head on and say quickly "oh I assure you, you have no competition."  And I spin quickly on my heels and walk away.

I stand inside the hotel for a moment and wait for the staff to start laughing.  "we got you Sarah!!  Hahahahah"  But none of them do anything.  They smile politely when I walk in, "hello Ms. Sarah."  But that is it.  There is no tv crew, no Ryan Seacrest or Ashton Kutcher to run out from behind the front desk to start high fiving each other....

But nobody came out of the back office.
And nobody was high fiving anyone.
Just me standing in the lobby looking puzzled and confused.

Sigh....
Are you shitting me?

I walked to my car, only able to shake my head back and forth at the mess of a date I had just been on.  "is this what I have to pick from?  I know girls that clear their throat and they have guys lined up with flowers and chicken noodle soup just to take care of them.  I get to date "do you think we can split that" guy.

8:15  The shortest date ever in the history of dating.

My dating life is much like that of a game of monopoly.  Do not pass go, do not collect 200.00.
I just live in a world of "we will see's " and hold tightly onto any optimism that I possibly can.  I expect nothing but hope for everything.

What's next for me?

We will see.

Granola Bar

"I know I have one around here somewhere, now where did it go"  I was sitting in my car rifling through my gym bag, pulling out shoes, countless odd socks, and a knee brace.  "Ah, there it is"  I pulled out the shiny wrapper from my bag.  Just where I left it, just where it always will be.  A granola bar....just in case.

The granola bar sat on my lap as I turned the keys in the car.  I stopped and reached for the bar thinking "I knew It would be there, it always is...just in case"

And it hit me.
Right then and there.
That was me.
I was a granola bar.
To him.
Always there.
When he needed me.


Just in case.

I sat in the car for a moment and thought long and hard about this.  I forgot about the damn granola bar....  Hell, I didn't sit in my office and think "I wonder how that granola bar is doing in the bottom of my bag"  No, I went about my normal day to day life and didn't think about it until I needed it.  Until my stomach was growling and there was no other food in site.  It was my last resort. My "just in case".  My back up.

And it was at that moment that I realized this is what I have been to too many guys in my life.  I have been their granola bar.  And I was tired of it.

So many times I had been the girl that was the last thought.  The "oh I have already sat around and counted the ceiling tiles in the kitchen, organized my maxim's in the bathroom, and I'm bored with that one girl I have been hanging out with....I wonder what else is left....OH...I CAN CALL SARAH!!!"  I was tired of it, tired of being the last thought, the last chosen.

Nobody really ever WANTS a granola bar.  It's one of those things that somebody offers you and you say "do you have anything else?"  Nobody ever says "ooh, you know what I could go for?  A dry and crumbly oats n honey granola bar."  No, people want cookies, they want cupcakes, they want ice cream cones.  I wanna be someones chocolate cupcake with sprinkles.  Because If you get a chocolate cupcake with sprinkles and you set it down because you bought it at 9 am on a tuesday and you are going to save it till after lunch, you think about that chocolate cupcake ALL....DAY....LONG.  You look at it, you glance at it, you dream about it.

Nobody dreams about a damn granola bar.

I want to be his chocolate cupcake.  But instead, I am that "Just in case"girl.  The girl on the back burner that he will see when has an hour to spare before his next "client" dinner.  I get called a "friend" and I listen to his stories about girls he is dating and how he is going to all these amazing places with them...places I wish I would get to go with him.  But instead, I am pushed to the bottom of the duffle bag, just to be forgotten until I am needed.

Now, your first thought is, "why do you put up with this, Sarah?  You deserve better, you should be someones chocolate cupcake with sprinkles.  Hell, you should be one of those ice cream sundaes that people travel to New York and stand in line for an hour just to sit down and finally get to experience" But instead...I am sitting here, glancing at my phone continuously hoping he picks me.

I know you have all been there.   We have all had that person in our life that just turns our hearts inside out and makes us want to reach into our chests and knock some sense into it just so we can quiet the pain.  And if it were so easy to say "you deserve better" and just walk away, trust me I would.  But we all know that feeling of being hopelessly head over heels for someone...and to have zero control over our heart, regardless of what anyone says.  

Being single in your forties is different then being single in your twenties.  You feel like a gallon of milk in the fridge..hoping to be scooped up before your expiration date.  You sit like a contestant on the price is right, hoping for your name to be called.  You clutch onto your lottery ticket dreaming of your number to be chosen.....but instead you remain the one that shows up to parties by yourself.  The one that listens quietly while your coworkers discuss what they are buying their boyfriends for Christmas and pretend not to care.  You show up at weddings alone and stand awkwardly by yourself at the bar, because consuming large amounts of wine make you feel less lonely.  You talk to yourself in the mirror, tell yourself that he is out there, that he will find you ...but each day makes you believe in him less and less, and your hope for him begins to disappear.

I have hope.  I have hope that someday he will walk up to me and grab me and tell me that I am the only one he wants.  That I am the one that he wants to be with, and that I can finally shed my shiny wrapper and be what he dreams of, what he thinks about all day.

Pensacola

"You HAVE to call me now!!"

The text came through while I was at my son's baseball game sitting in the blazing sun.  I felt the buzz in my pocket and pulled the phone out trying to create an ounce of shade so I could read the message. It was from my old boss at the hotel I used to work and the capital letters made me dart over to a shady spot under a tree to be able to make the call.

"What is going on?"  I said to her, stabbing one finger into my ear in order to hear her over the cheering of the game nearby.  "Is everything ok?"  Her voice was fast and upbeat, "Do you remember a guy named Luke? You met him at the hotel during a lobby shift?"  I sat and thought for a minute, God there were a TON of people I had met at the hotel in my time there, but I could not remember anyones name that matched that.  "You guys talked about running?"

Oh
My
God!!!

"Yes I remember him,....why?"

"Well, I ran into him tonight at work because he is staying here.  I guess he stays here every Monday through Friday then goes home to Florida on the weekends."

I stopped in my tracks, I do remember talking to him.  That night was like any other lobby shift night.  As a sales manager we were required to stand in the lobby for 2 hours and greet guests and just chat with them, kind of like a "thanks for your business would you like to book more look how friendly we are don't you want to stay here" attempt.  It mostly turned into me saying hello to guests when they came in from the night and giving directions to restaurants.  I do remember Luke though.  I remember him coming in from a run and we struck up a conversation about running.  I told him I loved being outdoors and how I was just getting into running.  He was so nice, so talkative, and good looking, and tall.  BUT,...I was used to meeting good looking guys at my job and just never seeing them again.  We talked for about an hour in the lobby, from everything to running and exploring Austin to my life and my son.  In a short period of time we were able to have a lot of conversation.  When he left, I remember looking at one of the front desk workers and saying "he was cute!!"

And that was it.

Now, fast forward 1.5 years.  YES...1.5 years.  I have since moved onto another hotel and yet still have a great relationship with my former boss which brings me to the day in the ballpark.

"Damn, I can't remember what he looks like, but I remember he was cute."  I paused for a minute to look out at the ball field to make sure I wasn't missing anything with my son.

"Well,"  she added "I talked to him for quite a while tonight and he is here on business.  He said he really liked that we did this lobby shift thing and that he remembered meeting someone here a while ago.  He described a tall girl and right away I said your name and he said that's her!!"

My heart started to race, this stuff only happened in the movies.  I already envisioned the part of Luke to be played by Ryan Gossling and the part of me to be played by....

"then I asked him if he was single"   Her words stopped my daydream abruptly.  "And he is.....he said that you made a really big impression on him.  I have his card and he wants you to email him."

The cheering in the background for the baseball game matches my mood perfectly.  I start dancing around "are you serious?  Seriously?"    I start envisioning some unknown to play me in the movie, but I don't think I will use a hotel, I think I will use a coffee shop instead.

"Sarah, you have to email him, he is soooo cute.  And soooo nice"  Her words dragged out to a sing songy extension of the letters.  "And"  she added, "he is moving here in a month."

I couldn't believe it.
Five minutes ago I was sitting on my single mom chair by myself at my son's baseball game eating sun chips.  Now, I have all this information thrown at me and I just cannot believe it.

My friend sends me a pic of his business card.  He has one of those fancy titles that I can't tell you what the hell he does but it sounds important.  "He's the boss"  she said.  I just sat there under the tree in the 100 degree weather staring at the photo of his business card, the tree leaves rustling around me, the cheering of the parents in the background.

I could lie and say I waited until I got home to email him, but then you may have a friend that was at that game and they would say they saw me typing under the tree for a good 20 minutes.  (Don't worry, when my son was playing I watched him....and you could totally hear my voice from where I stood 200 yards away.)  I wrote him the email and hit send.  The reply came back so quickly I felt as if he was at his computer waiting for me to contact him.  Here is the actual email chain between us that first night.

Sarah Wrote:  

Hi Luke, 

My friend mentioned she saw you tonight in the lobby and that you remembered chatting with me. Thanks for giving her your info, would love to catch up. How long are you in town this time around?

Sarah

Luke wrote:  

Hi there!

Certainly a pleasant surprise. Made my day. I would love to catch up as well. I am in town each week from Sunday/Monday through Friday, depending on the week. On occasion I have travel to other areas, but Austin is becoming home. Within the next month or so it will be weekends too. A little anxious. 

I usually work 8-6, give or take, and try to run as often as I can. Getting back into it after a break following the Austin Marathon. That's my schedule. I look forward to catching up when your schedule is suitable. 

Sarah wrote:  

Well, it made my day too.  I remember talking to you that night in the lobby.  Where are you living now?  I am available Thursday evening if you are.  Or, we can shoot for next week if that works better.  

Luke Wrote:  

Post run relaxation turned into an impromptu nap. :)

Thursday evening is great. I will make a reservation (please let me know if you have any food aversions) if your time allows for dinner.

Looking forward to it. Good night. 

PS I've been watching my hockey team in the playoffs at your hotel sports bar and tomorrow is game 7 (your old boss mentioned the new hotel you are at). I'll stop by and say hi if you are still there. 

***************************************************************************

I was on cloud nine.  I didn't really have Thursday off but I knew I could make a switch with my ex for that day off.  I got an email from him the next day with the confirmation email of where we were going to have dinner, it was a very nice and popular steak house in Austin that I had never actually eaten at.  Immediately I was impressed by his polite and professional demeanor.   

Now, I know that Guiness Book of World Records may say otherwise, but that Thursday turned out to be the LONGEST DAY KNOWN TO MAN.  I looked at my phone about 424 times to check the time and was probably floating about 2 inches off the ground at all times.  

Our plans were to meet up around 6:00 and walk over to the restaurant for dinner.  I started getting ready for the date around 3:14.  Mind you, I am in my office with my coworkers, and I am trying to be inconspicuous about straightening my hair at my desk.  As I am walking over to where I have to meet him he calls me to say he is running late because of traffic.  I make a quick decision to meet my old boss, the one that started all this, at a bar nearby for a glass of wine to calm my nerves. (Now, please let me add my boss is not OLD, so to speak, she is just my former boss.  I need to make sure I add that here so she doesn't feel like I am calling her old.)  

That 30 minutes I tried not to look at the door exactly 72 times.  I could not remember what he looked like and I couldn't find any photos of him on Facebook or Linkedin.  So, I sat there and looked nonchalant, sipping on my glass of white wine, sucking in my stomach, turning sideways to appear thinner...you know, all the good tricks.  

The conversation was so exciting between me and my "former" boss that night.  We built up the moment he would walk in the door with so much climax that you could have heard a pop the minute he walked in.  

Then, there he was.  

And yes, he was exactly as I didn't remember he was.  

Tall

Suit

Hot

smile

tall

hot

hot 

hot

I stood up when he walked toward me and I gave him a hug.  We both looked like we wanted to hold on like we were long lost friends that hadn't seen each other in so long.  He was so handsome and just UGH....PERFECT.  

We decided to have one glass of wine then walk over to the restaurant.  I stood next to him in my heels, all 6 feet of me and he still towered over me.  We made it to the restaurant and his reservation was for the rooftop, already impressed by this evening and it hadn't even started.  

Dinner was amazing.  It took us two hours to order dinner because every time the server came over we were like "sorry, we haven't even looked yet."  The sun started to set and I felt the moon rise over my shoulder.  "So," I said "I have to say that I was a little worried you would see me and say that I was not who you were thinking about."  I laughed to show I was joking but actually I was not.  He smiled at me as the night wore on and said "you look great, just like I remember you."   

That dinner lasted 6 hours.  I remember not wanting to even go to the bathroom because I didn't want to miss any time to talk.  He walked me back to my work at the end of the night and we said goodbye.  No kiss, no nothing, just goodbye.  

Needless to say, I was immediately hooked.  We exchanged phone numbers and immediately started texting.  Our second date was at Fado, an Irish Bar downtown.  He met me out and prefaced the night by saying he had a rough day, needed a drink, but would not be able to stay out long.  "just one or two beers then I have to head home."  Our conversation flowed just as easily if not better then the first night.  We laughed about the things you talk about on a first date.  I asked him about moving to Austin and he mentioned he was moving to a very popular area close to the downtown area where I worked.  After our two beers were done at the bar, we stood up and started to walk toward my car.  That is when we caught the sound of live music playing from a bar next door, he paused and looked at me.  Two guys with guitars singing and some outdoor seating....he looked at me and said "do you want to have another drink?"  I smiled what I am sure was the epitome of the cheshire cat "sure, what do you want to do?"  He paused and looked at his feet, then looked at me, studying my eyes,  and said "well, we are out."  

We sat and listened to the musicians for about an hour.  We would playful touch each others legs when we talked, we would laugh and joke about stuff.  We then got up and headed back in the direction of my car, and he stopped me right in front of one of the buildings downtown.  "Do you hear that?"  He said.  I stopped and the only thing I could hear was music pumping from one of the bars we had passed.  "you mean the music?  That's coming from the Speakeasy over there."  He looked at me with that same look that he gave me at the last bar.  "Do  you want to check it out?  I mean, we are out...."  I smiled at him again with that shit eating grin and said "well, what do you want to do? "  He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me in close to him "THIS" he whispered and gave me the most amazing kiss a girl has ever felt.  The kind that you aren't sure your legs will work after your lips part.  The kind where parts of you tingle that you weren't sure existed.  The kind where you don't want it to end but can't wait to run and tell your best friend, mom and the cashier at Target about that kiss.  

I THINK  we walked over to that bar.  

I THINK we ended up making out at the bar for about an hour.  

I am PRETTY SURE we walked back to my car holding hands and stopping to kiss about every 4 steps.  

It was amazing. I fell asleep that night the epitome of happiness.  

"I am going home to Pensacola this weekend."  He told me at dinner one Thursday a couple of weeks later.  We had been dating for about a month and he always left on Friday and returned on Monday morning.  I really wanted to hang out with him on the weekends, it sucked to have to always end the night early but I understood that he was part of a triathlon training group that met every weekend and that is why he needed to return home.  "he's dedicated"  is all I would say when people asked me.  

I started staying at his apartment a couple times a week when I did not have my son.  His place was very plain and did not have any sort of decor to it.  Almost like what you would expect an apartment to look like if "Apple" designed it.  He had no food in the fridge, only a handful of suits still in the plastic from the dry cleaner.  He was definitely not settled into his living in Austin full time, life yet.  I ended up brining over a hair dryer and stored it under his bathroom sink so I could get ready in the morning at his house.  We were moving closer into the dating life and were crazy about each other.  

"I have to go to Europe for work for 10 days"  he said to me in the second month of our dating.  "Oh really?" I said, both excited for him yet bummed for me.  I hated the idea of going a week not seeing him but was so happy about our relationship that I painted a smile on my face and said "that sounds amazing."  He called me the night before he left for his trip to say "just wanted to hear your voice and talk to you before I left. "  We talked on the phone for almost 2 hours that night.  He said he would send me pics and we would be able to text.  He sent me one of him in front of the Eiffel Tower and another of him in front of the Louvre.  All of them attached to a "this would be much better if you were here" text.  My heart was soaring.  

"It's weird that he doesn't text me when he goes home.  I mean, I may get one text from him in the morning then nothing till Sunday night."  I was sitting with my friend Emily sharing the great stories of Luke with her.  She had been along the entire journey and knew all the great stories.  She had not met him yet and was dying to find out what this guy was all about.  "I am sure he is just busy.  You need to be busy too."  

I tried to be ok with it, but my insecurities sometimes trumped the soaring heart.  He was great when he was with me but why did he go into radio silence once he got back to Florida?  Some people told me I was expecting too much out of a relationship that was only 3 months old, that you didn't have to talk everyday.  "I know that, but we talk during the week all the time, this is just weird to go from all this talking to nothing on the weekends."  I tried so hard to quiet the inner voice inside of me.  And each week that I was without my son we would make plans to see one another, and those little voices would be smacked shut for another few days.   

 "Can I ask you a question?"    I said to him one night when we were out.  He was holding my hand under the table and stroking my fingers with his.  He was such an affectionate person when he was with me, I loved it.  Always holding my hand, always giving me kisses and rubbing my back.  And I was the same with him.  We were a few drinks in to our night so I knew I could ask him this.  "Do you have a girlfriend in Florida, is that why you keep going back?"  He looked at me and started laughing "oh my GOD, Sarah, NO!"   He snickered behind his hand and took a sip of his drink.  "I just wanted to ask, I mean you go home every weekend and we have never really had the discussion of being exclusive."  He smiled at me as if I were smitten by me, "Oh Sarah, no I don't have a girlfriend back home.  And I think its really sweet and actually completely cool that you ask"  He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the lips and I gave up my fight.  

Kind of.  

Over the next few weeks we did our normal thing.  I started to grow frustrated with his escaping to Pensacola every weekend.  He seemed so eager to leave on friday mornings as I would lie on his bed snuggled under the covers while he packed for the weekend.  "You look beautiful in my bed"  He said to me as he leaned down to kiss me, and my heart swelled.  

"Wish you were with me right now." 

"only thing missing is you"

"looking forward to seeing you."

"need Sarah time"  

These text messages would come at me during the weekend.  I was confused as to why he would leave yet tell me he wishes he were with me when he was gone.  "Then stop leaving" I sent him in a text when he said he missed me one weekend.  "I know, two weeks!!"  This was his magic number.  He said in two weeks he would be staying here during the weekends and we would be together.  I did not believe him and poked fun at how he would probably hang out in the airport all weekend even if he did stay, just looking at the planes.  My patience was wearing thin on the Florida weekend escape plan and yet I held on to every shred of his attention when he would hand it out.  

If I went silent in my communication, he would be sending me texts like crazy.  If I texted too much, he would go into what I could only assume was a witness protection program where they would not allow cell phone usage.  

It Just didn't make sense.  

Dating in the year of Facebook and Instagram offers you the ability to get all the info you need.  One night I went onto Facebook and looked at his profile.  I was looking at the pics of his sisters and brothers so that I could get to know him better.  We were not friends on Facebook yet (which was weird to me after 3 months of dating) but I just figured he was private and wasn't ready for that yet. What I could see offered a comment on one of his pics about  how one of his siblings couldn't wait to see him and Lisa that weekend. The comment was old so I was not worried but I clicked on her name and looked at her photos.  There were many photos of he and her that were older.  They were obviously a couple at one time.  My heart sank at the pics of him kissing her on the beach and standing by her side at weddings, but the pics were old so I just put my jealously aside.  Right before I closed out of her page, I saw where she lived.....Pensacola Florida.   My heart jumped to my throat and I tried to quiet the voices that were hitting me at every angle.  But, the last post was on January 15 of him and her.  Due to privacy settings, I could not see anything else but profile pictures, but it was still disheartening to find this information out.  

Many many hours of talking with my friend Emily regarding this happened over the next few days.  She assured me he was very into me and I just was being a little too eager this close into the relationship.  She talked me off the ledge many times, I would use her words of encouragement and just drank in every moment with him that I could.  I soon grew accustomed to the fact I would not see him on weekends at all and went about my life.  "I feel really good about us.  I am not sure why, but I feel the insecurity just melting away and I feel like we are a real couple".  I typed this to Emily one evening.  "Good, good.  What happened?"  She typed back.  "I don't know, I just feel good, I feel confident."    

That week I was at a client event and he messaged me that he would be at a work dinner that night but that he would love to see me.  He met me out and we stayed together that night.  The next morning he stared into my eyes for a long time with the sweetest look on his face.  I was in love with him, and I had been since that night I met him for dinner on the rooftop.  He had no idea, I was not going to tell him at all, but I was.  It was everywhere in my heart.  I was head over heels and I wanted to be with him!!  That night we met for dinner at a sushi restaurant.  "you look great" he said to me across the table.  My little confidence booster went up another notch.  "Thank you, so do you."  I said to him.  We shared another drink that night and he was showing me pictures on his phone.  As he was scrolling through photos, his exe's name showed up as an incoming call.  He hit cancel and went back to showing me pictures.  She called again, then again.  "Why is she calling?"  he mumbled.  I said "who is it?"  He hit cancel again and said "nobody, just a coworker. "  My heart started pumping so loud I was afraid he was going to hear it.  "Well do you need to call her back?"  He looked at the door and said "yeah I better."  Moments later he came back stating everything was ok but that he had an early flight in the morning back to Pensacola and he had to get home.  I gave him a half ass hug and got into my car and left.  

What happened next floored me.  I don't know why I did it but something just told me to do it.  I decided to look her up on Facebook, and it was like someone slapped me upside the head with a baseball hat.  There was a picture of her and Luke arm and arm at a wedding, posted just 5 days ago.  The comments "what a nice couple"  "love seeing you guys."  I could barely read them because of the tears coming out of my eyes.  My hands were shaking and my heart felt each breaking moment like a glass jar thrown from the empire state building.  A text came through at that moment from him "sorry we couldn't stay together tonight.  Loved seeing you."  I stared at the text and simply took a screen shot of her profile picture and sent it as my reply.  

This is what I wrote with the photo "interesting you think that little of me.  All makes sense now you rushing back to Pensacola every weekend.  I honestly thought you were a good hearted guy, you have proved me wrong."    He has never replied.  

Oh, the pain my heart has felt in the past five days.  My mind is like a cloud heavy with emotional rain ready to flow at any moment.  I am sad, angry, hurt, confused, but most of all, just so sad that I was wrong about him.  I really really thought this was it.  I thought I could cash in my single card and finally be with someone that was so amazing, someone that fit what I was looking for in a partner.  And I was wrong.  

Now, I am back to the beginning.  Back to the part that says "start here" and I don't want to do it.  I had what I thought was the guy.  He found me, he sought me out and asked me out.   According to everyone else, that is how it is supposed to happen, when you aren't looking.  For the first time, I believed their stupid story and I believed in him.  

Guess I was wrong.  

the cardinal

The ring on my finger was a silver ring with a bright blue stone, the color blue you see in the brightest sky in summertime.  You could turn the ring from side to side and see a faint white star in the center.  It was big for my hand, but I wore it anyway on my middle finger and stroked his hand very carefully. He had given it to me after my college graduation and it lived in my jewelry box tucked away in a little blue bag.   He had his arms crossed on his chest, the purple DNR bracelet sitting next to the hospital id bracelet.  His hands a pale grey hidden behind tuffs of grey hair on his arms.   Age spots decorated his hands like drops of chocolate and they made very little movement at all.  I leaned down very closely and whispered "grandpa, I'm here, I love you very much."  He looked like a child in the big hospital bed.  His neck supported by a large white collar and tubes going into his already fragile arms.  The gentle humming of the machines gave way to the stillness in the room.  My grandmother stood by his side "oh Heavens....oh dear...he just left for a minute.  He was just going out for a minute,...Oh Sarah isn't that the darndest thing what happened?"

My grandmother stood next to me and held my hand.  She looked lost...no...she looked absent.  The once rosey complexion she owned on her cheeks was now pale and grey.  I stood next to her and put my arm around her.  It was difficult for her to grasp after 66 years of marriage what had just happened and the dimensia did not help things at all.  "Sarah, isn't that the darndest thing that happened?  He just left for a minute."  I smiled a sweet smile at my grandmother.  "I know grandma.  It happened so fast."

It did happen fast....My grandparents were very independent.  The still lived in their own house at the ripe age of 86.  They had been married for 66 years and had three children (one of which is my mother Denise, the middle child).  My mother took care of my grandparents as she was the only child that lived in the same city.  She checked on them every Friday and helped with their bookwork and medications and doctor visits.  It was getting close to the time that my grandfather probably needed to have his drivers license taken away as he had been diagnosed with Parkinsons and was having more an more issues with the illness.

It was a normal day, just like any other day.  Their routine was the same as it had been for the last 25 years since my grandfather stopped working at my parents restaurant.  He would get up, they would go for coffee and then they would go to the store.  On December 10th, my grandfather woke up and did that very same thing, only for some reason he dropped my grandmother off first, then he went to the store.  He went to pick up some groceries, and on the way back T-boned a truck.  My grandfather was not wearing his seat belt and he broke his neck immediately.

"isn't that the darndest thing, Sarah?  It happened so fast."  I held the tears back as I looked at my mom.  She did not want us to cry in the room in front of my grandfather, even though he was in a coma.  His hands would move from his chest up to his neck brace and with one long index finger, he would stroke the adams apple on his neck.  He then reached up and grabbed his brace with both hands, strong as can be for an 86 year old man with Parkinsons, and tried to pull that brace off.  My mom and I each grabbed a hand and held on to it.  "Dad, I know you don't like that thing on your neck, but we have to keep it on.  You have a broken neck."  She was hunched over his bedside, his small now lifeless hand in hers as she stroked his arm.  Her fingers readjusting the DNR bracelet on his wrist.

I stood by his side for three days.  All of us were there, my grandmother, my dad my mom, my brother and his wife, my niece.  We were all there.  We stood by him while we talked to him and I read him poetry from one of my favorite books.  Each moment, I fought to keep the tears in so that he would not hear me cry.  My mom wanted the doctor to explain what had happened, and she did not want to be in the room while he did it.  I stayed behind and held his hand, letting the tears fall freely as she was not there to tell me to stop.  My hands grasped his as I told him I loved him over and over again.  "Grandpa, I am so glad I have you in my life to be my guardian angel now.  I love you."

He passed away on December 17th, just 2 days after I had to return to Austin so that I could make sure I was there for my son for Christmas.  I felt horrible that I had to miss his funeral, but I knew that I was there when I needed to be.  The night that he was laid to rest, the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen lit up the sky like a deep pink and purple ribbon, almost as if to say "ha ha, look what I can do."

It was after that night that things started to happen for me.

I had been having second thoughts about my relationship that I was in.  I felt stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic and really wasn't sure how to move forward with it anymore.  My boyfriend at the time and I went for a walk around town lake.  We started fighting within the first five minutes of the walk.  No...yelling within the first five minutes of the walk.  I turned around at one point and started walking the other direction, leaving him behind me.  I sat on a park bench, tears welling in my eyes, so tired of the fighting and the constant drinking.  I said a quiet prayer to my grandfather to help me.  To help me move forward and get out of that relationship for good and move on.  To give me the strength, to give me a sign that he was there listening to me.  It was at that exact moment that a red cardinal landed in front of me.  Bright as can be, this brilliant red bird stood out in a sea of green grass and brown brush.  He just looked at me as if to say "yes, I'm here."  I burst into tears immediately, I knew it was my grandfather.  Without a doubt.

Later the next day, I started looking for therapists to go to that specialized in alcoholism, but nobody would speak to me.  Nobody wanted to talk to me because they did not have the expertise I needed.  Also, I was not the alcoholic, why would I be searching for help?  I finally found a guy that would talk to me.  He said he did not have a license in alcohol and drug dependency, but his coworker did and his office was next door.  He gave me his number and I made an appointment to see him as soon as I could.  "Tim" as I will call him, was from the school of hard knox, and he helped me move forward in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere.  I remember that first day I visited "Tim" as I could feel the weight on my shoulders of the situation I put myself in.  He was tough, but he helped me move past the relationship.  That is all I will divulge about my time with him, but I know it was my grandfather that put "Tim" in my life.

That next week, I was closing out the end of my year  at work and we would find out what our bonuses were going to be.  Since this was my first bonus with my new position, I had no idea what to expect.  In the past, I had always gotten a bonus, but it was usually just enough for me to put aside a months' living expenses.  When I found out the amount I had coming back to me, I was floored.  It was an incredible amount more than what I had received in the past.  What was I going to do with this money?  I could pay off all my debt, pay off my car...or....I could do something I had wanted to do for so long.  Put a down payment on a house.  I picked up the phone and called my realtor.  She had been my friend and confidant for the past 7 years and she had been there for me the entire time helping me get ready to buy a home when I was ready.  "So, do you think it's enough to have for a down payment?"  I asked her in a quick voice....."I mean, when is the next time I am going to have this kind of money?"  She replied back "yes, I do think we can make it work."

The next few weeks were a blur for me.  I assumed the house search would be a big commitment of looking at places, driving around for hours, bidding wars....but none of that was true for me.  I walked into the second house on a bright sunny spring morning and I knew I was home.  I was able to put in a bid and the seller accepted it immediately.  It was like it was meant to be.  Though I was worried about the house payments and how I would manage after moving from an apartment to a house, I was quickly reassured when my raise came in just two weeks after I bought the place....and my raise....well it was for exactly the difference between my apartment and my house.  EXACTLY...to the dime.  I shit you not.

When I moved into my house, I felt a sense of home that I had not felt for years.  Maybe ever.  The glory of being a homeowner was overwhelming to me.  I would sit on my front porch and watch the cars go by, rocking on my rocker and sipping coffee.  It was then that I saw the cardinal again. Bright as can be, on the sidewalk in front of my house, just staring at me.  Tears filled my eyes immediately, "hi grandpa...see, I'm ok."  I wiped the tears from my cheek and smiled at the bird.  It just sat there, not moving, staring at me.  I smiled and laughed to myself....he is watching me.  I know it.

There have been other times I have seen the cardinal.  On Mothers day, after having a tough day I drove home and parked in my driveway.  I rested my head on the steering wheel and started to have my pity party when I looked up and saw it.  Sitting on my white mailbox, the red cardinal.  A week later, I was driving to work and having a rough morning when a semi pulled in front of me, on the back was a big painted red cardinal....I just knew at that point that he was there.

On a night not long ago, I sat and prayed to my grandfather.  I told him I was ok and that I really appreciated him being there for me, but I needed him to watch over my mom and grandma.  I said that they needed his help, they needed the guidance.  I was ok, he had done so much for me and I appreciated everything...but I really needed him to watch over them.  It has now been a month, and I have not seen my red cardinal.

"I have to tell you something" my mom and I were talking on Sunday morning as we often do, "what's up? "  I said to her.  My mom and I are very close so she is aware of all the great things that were happening in my life.  We both discussed that we thought it was grandpa and that I had seen the red cardinal at various times in my life.  "I took grandma to lunch this morning and on our way back to her place guess what we saw....I took in a deep breath.  I knew what she was going to say,..."You saw a red cardinal!!!"  There was a brief pause, then her answer "yes, yes we did."

Thanks Grandpa...I knew I could count on you.