This is a phrase that I created to explain the reason why I am so damn nice to everyone. I hear it all the time... "Sarah, you are so.....NICE" The words hang on their tongue like syrup and I get a tilt of the head with a slow nod. Others will say "why are you so NICE SARAH!!" Their sharp tone hits me like a slap to the face. "You need to learn how to be a bitch!"
Wow, what is THAT like?
I have never been able to be a bitch. Right now, multiple ex boyfriends, friends and coworkers of mine are spitting their diet coke all over the computer screen as we speak. But I am speaking from my own terms. I have never been able to be a true bitch for too long, and I know why that is.
It is called the cocktail napkin syndrome.
This is a term I made up a long time ago after I got tired of people telling me how nice I am all the time. There is no way around it, it is a part of me that was bred into me from a very early age. Let me explain.
When you are in a bar, if you have a bartender...a GREAT bartender, they will greet you within a few seconds of sitting down. They will lean up against the bar, arms extended out straight, with their long sleeves rolled up on their forearms....and what is the first thing they do? They get a cocktail napkin out and place it in front of you and say "what can I get for you?" They don't start to tell you about their day or moan and bitch about what a long week they have had....they have your well being in mind. They smile at you, they are nice to you, they take care of you. When your drink gets low, they ask if you want another one. If you look bored, they come over and talk to you, if you appear to be chewing on your finger nails, they bring you a menu.
As the night goes on, they become your friend. Your buddy. They get to know your name, they know how you like your drink (my dad used to keep the ice in the drink and pour new ice on top, he called it educated ice). And by the END of the night, you have given your savings account to the bartender, wiped out their stock of jack daniels and become facebook friends with all the staff.
Bottom line, that bartender is taking care of you, and you wanna go back.
That is how I have become in relationships. I become the bartender in the relationship. I let them sit back, talk to me about their day, and I make sure they are happy. My metaphorical cocktail napkin sits on the table in between us and I make them as happy as I possibly can. "What can I get YOU to make YOUR stay more enjoyable?" I might as well have a front desk clerk of a hotel sitting next to me during this speech. The song from beauty and the beast "be our guest" playing in the background while I pour some tea out of a talking tea pot.
Don't start saying anything like "poor Sarah" while you read this. I fully know what I am doing. I am very capable of pulling that napkin away and shoving my fingers in my ears and singing "LA LA LA LA" at the top of my lungs so I can't hear them. But I LIKE being like this. Has this caused me to attract some head cases that should be wrapped up in a white jacket and locked in a padded room? ABSOLUTELY!! But it has also taught me to be truly patient and to be a great listener.
There are some good guys out there though, I must say (yeah, I am talking to you) that actually push that napkin toward ME and reverse it. They stop me mid sentence and walk behind the bar, hand extended, leading me to a chair where they motion for me to sit down. I sit down slowly, unsure of what this strange feeling is, and HE walks back behind the bar and pushes the napkin toward me and says "now...what can I get for YOU?" I look around the bar, waiting for someone to jump out from behind the trash can and say "gotcha!" but nobody does. He leans on the bars, arms extended, and asks me how my day was. He keeps my drinks coming and talks to me about my life and my dreams. He brings me food when I start to get hungry, rubs my shoulders when I appear weary...and by the end of the night we are laughing and he is making me smile in a way I have never felt before.
Everybody has a bit of this syndrome. We are all caretakers in one way or another. It is the person you meet that is willing to meet you half way and take care of you in return. The cocktail napkin syndrome is a good syndrome, but it can be exhausting. It can tire you in a way that makes you want to lie down on the couch and sleep for fourteen hours at a time. I know it's not ideal, and some people view me as a pushover or being "mom like" to the people I encounter...but I am very proud of what I am and how I treat people.
Next time you are with someone, think about if you are the bartender or the customer, then reverse the roles.
Oh, and this works best if you carry a cocktail napkin with you at all times.
