Guilt is something that was introduced to me the minute I said the words that forever changed my life.
"I want a divorce"
Since then, guilt has stuck close to me and has been very reluctant to leave my side. She is a mean wench and hovers over my heart ready to attack any good feeling I may have at that moment.
Guilt comes out in many forms. She is able to disguise herself better than any CIA agent and can move with the stealth of a ninja. No matter what I am doing, I catch a glimpse of guilt over in the corner waving at me relentlessly, making sure I don't feel too much happiness at that moment.
My ex did not help either in the beginning. The days and weeks following my divorce I was served a heaping dish of guilt with the following statements.
"Sam is coughing, he is probably just reacting to the divorce."
"Sam was tired at school today, he is probably upset about you wanting a divorce."
"what are you going to say when Sam asks you why you wanted to leave your husband and rip apart your family."
"Sam asked me today why we are not together anymore, I told him to ask you."
I see guilt standing over my ex's shoulder, feeding him lines from a clip board that holds all my deepest fears. She checks them off as she delivers them to him and smiles at me with a sinister look. I want to grab the clip board out of her hand and knock her out with it. Does she not realize the amount of fear I had to overcome to make this decision? Does anyone realize the amount of courage it takes to leave a marriage that makes you feel empty and hollowed out by each day that goes by?
My thoughts fall on mute ears as she is continuing to come up with ideas to jot down and feed the people in my life. I am very vulnerable in the months that follow my divorce and continue to stand stoic and let "team guilt" take it's million jabs at me. I am the reason this all happened. I am the reason why my son is sad. I am to blame for all the pain that has been felt in the past few months. I am responsible for it all, and guilt will make sure I never forget that.
I am out with my friend Kellie and we are going for a girls night out. I am like a caged bird waiting to spread my wings and escape guilt for just a night. As we make our way to the bar, I start to feel a tinge of pain that I am not at home with my son. I push the feeling away and make my way to the bar when I see her. Guilt is sitting just a few seats away from me, drinking some pretty drink with an umbrella sticking out of it. She is waving a picture of Sam in my face and pointing at her watch as if to say "you should really be getting home." I ignore her as I situate myself so my back is to her. She quickly appears on the other side of the bar, this time holding a thought bubble of Sam asking his dad where I am. The all too familiar feeling of pain starts in my heart and I become sullen Sarah. Kellie puts a hand on my shoulder and tells me it's going to be ok. She is all to aware of the pain I feel from guilt. As we head out the door, only one hour into our girls night, I see Guilt add a point to her virtual scoreboard. Guilt 1, Sarah...0. She is winning and I am letting her.
As the months went by, I started to become stronger and was able to realize that guilt is not just apparent to single parents. Parents that are together feel the guilt too. It is just a mother thing I guess. It doesn't matter if your child is with you all the time or half the time or none of the time. Guilt really has a problem with boundaries. She is like that annoying friend of your boyfriends that will ask you how many times you have had sex that day and how much money you make in a year. She is socially awkward and has only a few friends in her circle...grief, hate and jealousy. They actually visit the hamptons together once a year to regroup before the holidays. That is the busy season for them as they all love to move in to my life about mid November and hover around my life until after new years.
My Christmas card idea one year was of me sitting by myself in a white room with only the chair I was sitting on. It was their idea for me to be alone in my Christmas card as that is where I chose to put myself. Guilt told me that I had no right to be sitting next to anyone in my picture, and jealousy was quick to show me all the great warm photos of my ex and our son with his new girlfriend. My son was surrounded by mountains of gifts and had this look of pure elation on his face. Guilt stood in front of my charlie brown Christmas tree and points at the five lonely gifts under the tree. She puts an extended hand over her mouth as if to pantomime "wow..." I sink into my single chair and envision ways to torture guilt.
It isn't until about a year and a half into my divorce that I stopped in my tracks. Why did I have to let this B!tch control my life? I was tired of her showing up at every moment in my life. Controlling my every emotion and dangling guilt in front of my face like a person waves a bone in front of a dog's face. It was at that moment that I decided to confront her.
I had just dropped Sam off at his dads. It was a saturday afternoon and it was the beginning of my Single Sarah time. I very rarely, if ever, worked on Saturday nights and liked to keep this night as date night, or girls night. I dropped Sam off and slid into my car. I reach into my purse to grab a cigarette (my single Sarah vice) and get startled by guilt's face in my rear view mirror. "Hi there" I jump very quickly and place a hand over my beating heart. "what are you doing here?" I say to her. She leans back in the seat and holds up a match box car, spinning the wheel with a flick of her finger. "oh sweetie, I am always here."
I pull my car off to the side of the road and slam the car in park. With a quick release of my seat belt, I get out of the car and open the back seat door. "Get out!!!" I say to her with force I do not recognize. My arm is pointing at the street and I reach in to grab guilt by the arm. "you have occupied way to much of my time and I am through with you. I know I am a good mom...no a GREAT mom. And I am tired of you making me feel like I am less of a mother because of the choices that I have made in my life. The situation is what it is. I made the decision based on what I felt was best for Sam and me. It is time for you to leave and go inhabit someone elses thoughts."
She looks at me with a smirk then a look of shock. "But..." She starts to stammer. I hold a finger up to her face as if to say "stop" and step out of her way with a motion to the road. "Guilt, I am done with you. You are no longer welcome in this family. I am back in charge of my emotions. You can take your little clipboard and go live with someone else for a while. I am done with you." She steps out of the car and holds her arms out for a goodbye embrace. I quickly turn on my heels and get into my car, leaving her silhouette behind. I smile to myself and head home.
As I turn the corner, I am startled by a new reflection in my rearview mirror. She is beautiful and has amazing posture. She is looking out the window tracing imaginary circles onto the window. "Hello...." I say in a questioning voice. "who are you? Did guilt send you?" She looks over at me with the warmest smile I have ever seen. "Nope, you sent me. My name is confidence. I will be with you for the rest of your stay." She turns to look back out the window again with a sense of security that exudes from her skin. I sit a bit taller and head to my house...about to embark on yet another great chapter in my life.
The confident one.
