I am wiped out.
I will say this first and foremost before I go any further. ALL PARENTS ARE TIRED. I don't care if you are single, married, in a same sex relationship or raising 19 kids on TLC, everyone is tired.
But this is MY BLOG and I will write it from my point of view. So if you feel you may be offended, you may exit this now.
For the rest of you, if you are willing to read on and be empathetic with my situation (not just because I am a single parent, but because I am A parent,) then continue on.
I hear the french take their kids to bars, sleep till noon and don't eat dinner till midnight. I wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's light. My son is always the first or second kid dropped off at day care and one of the last to be picked up. He is usually sitting with the janitor playing with dirt.
My day starts as such.
5:30 a.m., my alarm goes off, I set exactly three alarms and finally get out of bed at 5:40. I wake up my child and put him into my bed so he can watch cartoons. I then sip on coffee and read some emails before I get ready.
6:30 a.m. I am making my son's lunch and getting his breakfast ready. Smart people would do this the night before. I have a friend that makes really innovative lunches for her kids with cute cut out figures on their sandwiches and organic yogurt dressed parfaits. The girl can chisel radishes that would make Picasso jealous. I slap some peanut butter onto two pieces of bread, stuff a capri sun and a brownie into the lunch box and throw in some applesauce so the CPA services are not summoned for sugar overdose. My son clutches his breakfast (dried cereal in a ziploc bag) and sleepily asks me what is for dinner. Remember, it is only 6:30 am.
6:45 a.m. I drop Sam off at school and give him exactly 21 kisses and hugs before I leave him. He asks me if we can go to Wisconsin for Christmas. It is July.
6:49 a.m. I am in my car with the radio on, driving my 20 mile commute to work. I drink enough coffee to become one of the Hills Bros and laugh at the morning talk show on my radio.
7:15 a.m. I arrive at work and walk past the homeless kids that live behind my restaurant. Most of them are meth addicts and a few have passed out IN my restaurant bathroom from drug overdose.
Once I am at work, I am constantly moving. There are cookies to bake, back ups to do, prep to complete, money to count, orders to take, doors to open, sandwiches to make, floors to be swept and counseling to be done. The counseling part is because I am a manager of over 20 kids that are under the age of 27 or going to school. I am their mom away from mom, and I feel compelled to take care of them.
Once the lunch rush is over, it is time to send most of the kids home. Then it is me and one other person on the line to do the dishes, clean the stations, bake more cookies, sweep the dining room, stock the chips, answer the phones....never does more than 20 minutes go by where I am not needed by either someone on the phone or someone looking for me to purchase some type of sandwich punch card advertising gig.
My day is a constant clock watching game. I watch the clock in the morning to make sure I leave on time. I watch the clock before lunch to make sure everything is ready for the customers. Then, I watch the clock in the afternoon because of all the crap I have to do before I leave.
I AM convinced there is a alarm I set off as I make my way to the back door of the restaurant, because every time I head out the door, the phone will ring for me.
4:45 pm. I collapse into the front seat of my car. I have been going for almost 12 hours and I have a ways to go yet. I feel like I am running the 800 yard dash and after the first lap they tell me.."ok, now one more time around the track and you are done." I clutch my steering wheel and set my head on my hands...sometimes I sob from the stress of my days. Other times I am fine, I am truly bipolar when it comes to my reaction to stress.
The entire time I am driving home, I am either listening to voice mails or returning calls. It is during that 45 minute drive that I try to make doctors appointments, eye doctor appointments or mental grocery lists.
watch 4 hours of Nickelodeon. I am sure it is only a matter of time until I owe spongebob some sort of babysitting wage.
6pm. We are finally home after being gone for almost 12 hours. My son would like to go to the pool. I would like a martini. We settle on fish sticks for his aquatic urge and a bud light for my alcoholic needs. For the next 2 hours I will be asked exactly 213 questions about anything from "mom what is that can I have it I really need it?" to "mom can we go to disney world tomorrow because you just got paid?" I have perfected the "uh huh" phrase to a "t" and can now sleep with my eyes wide open.
8pm. My son goes to bed. I tuck him in and read him a story. Sometimes I turn more than one page at a time so I can skip to the end. Hell, I only have a small window of time before he can read on his own, I will milk it for what it's worth. I close the door to his room, go downstairs and do some writing and then check my email.
9:30 pm. I am wiped out and ready to sleep. My head hits the pillow right around 10pm and I watch a favorite tv show before I fall asleep, only to do it again the next day all over again.
Like I said, I know that every parent is tired, but I will never know what it is like to raise my kid at THIS age with the help of another person. My son is with his dad three nights of the week. One of the nights I work doing inventory, the other is my night out and time with my boyfriend...by the third night I am gearing up to be mom again.
Some nights, I just want to sit on the couch and have my son say "mom, I want more juice" and I will do the attempt to get up move and someone will be there to say "nope, I got it. Stay there." I miss the days of "it's your turn" when the kid calls down the stairs for help with wiping his butt after he poops. I understand I chose this path, and it is me that brought me here, but I still can't help but being envious of other people. The ability to go anywhere any night of the week because your husband is home and can watch the kid instead of rearranging your life because you have no way to get a babysitter and it will cost you 50.00 just to walk out the door.
I would never want to go back to my old life. The life I have now is amazing and I have met a great guy that makes me feel like I am worth a million bucks. I know the tired thing is just a part of motherhood...whether you have help or not. And I know I will wake up tomorrow and my son will be packing his things for college and I will be wishing I had all these moments back....so until then, I will just appreciate the amazing people I have in my life and continue to do things like dial a phone number on my calculator pad while answering the stapler.
