Let me start by telling you that online dating is such a part of people's dating lives now. Back in the day, online dating was only for zit faced 20 somethings who's only interests were chess and playing video games for thirteen hours a day. Now, everyone is into online dating. And there is a website for any kind of person you are looking for. Bi, straight, straight but kind of bi, cross dressers, nympho's, jerks, bitches, nice people, married people, indecisive people, bored people, short people, fat people, people in semis...you name it. All walks of life.
when you sign up for online dating, you get one chance to make a first impression. You need to treat your profile like a house listing. "completely remodeled and great for entertaining." You use cute little copouts like "I have never done this sort of thing before." All of it is so cliche, and we all use the same tag lines to make ourselves seem more appealing, more interesting, more fun, more desirable, skinnier and younger. Much like a puppy, our shot record is displayed for the world to see, and we sit in our cages and hope we get picked. All that is missing is the newspaper and the chew toy.
To begin with, you need to figure out what site you want to be a part of. Do you want to pay a monthly fee to "date" online, or do you want to do a free site? I have done both and both are equally interesting. When you sign up, you pick a cool name and then answer about 200 questions regarding where you stand on sex, politics, first dates, movies, religion and how important it is that your potential mate showers twice a day or not.
Then, you start to search for pictures. This is the most difficult part of the whole process. What photos make you look hot, but not like a hooker. Which ones show enough clevege but not too much so that is all they see (one potential suitor sent me a message that he liked my rack, another said I had nice tits) just be prepared to deal with whatever photo you put on your profile, as it is the one that people will expect you to actually look like when you show up for a date. I have heard so many horror stories of guys that have expected bachelorette number one to show up, only to find out that she appeared to have eaten bachelorette number two AND three. Do not post photos of your high school volleyball picture or your college spring break photo of you with super blonde hair, a nice tan and "spring break 92" stamped on your thong. Do not incorporate photos that have any relics of the past that may dictate these were taken long ago. Stay away from photos that include any of the following: Cabbage patch kids, New Kids on the block concert photos, stonewashed denim jeans, sea shell knecklaces, any sort of reference to the ORIGINAL 90210 or Melrose PLace and any photo that includes you posing like Alyssa Milano from Who's the boss with purple leg warmers and matching leotard.
These are all dead giveaways that these are old photos.
You will find that people post all sorts of photos. Men have any of the following photos. Pictures of them driving or riding something. Pictures with them wearing some sort of helmet where you have to squint and turn your computer to the side so that you can imagine what their faces look like. Pictures of them running a marathon, picutres of them winning the marathon. Pictures of them building the road in which they ran the marathon. There is always at least one photo of them at a wedding since it probably the only photo they have where someone told them "you sure did look nice at Aunt Nancy's cousin's nieces friends wedding. You should use one of those photos." Guys also choose at least one photo where they are with a hot chic, kind of a "see what I am capable of getting" kind of picture. There is the guy that posts the photo taken from his computer at work. I imagine he slowly stands up in his cubicle, looks around to make sure nobody is coming, smooths out his shirt, straightens his tie, and checks his hair in the reflection of his "salesman of the year" plack. CLICK and voila...creepy computer self portrait guy.
My most favorite photo is the bathroom self portrait photo. The one where the guy is convinced he looks really good standing in his bathroom amid his stash of axe body spray and LA looks gel. He is getting ready for a night out with friends and thinks "damn this is a kodak moment, too bad I don't have anyone to take a picture of me looking this damn fine....guess I could just take it myself with my iphone. I could hold the phone far enough away so that nobody could see I am taking my own picture. THAT or I could hold it right in front of my face as if I am oblivious to just how stupid I look."
I write them all a message and tell them to buy a stranger a big mac and ask them to take a photo of them for their profile. There is a guy on the corner of mopac and braker that holds a sign that says "50 cents shy of a happy meal" I bet he would do a full photo spread for a 20 pack of nuggets.
Guys will sometimes have pictures of themselves with their dogs, cats or nieces and nephews. This is to show woman that they have a sensitive side. My all time favorite profile pic was one of a guy with his head in a urinal. It was so gruesome but like a car wreck. I just couldn't look away.
After the photos have been chosen and you have found the best one to sell yourself, it is now time for the self summary. You have an unlimited amount of space to sell yourself. If you are anything like me, you started off staring at your photo, and then staring at the keyboard. You may grab a pen and start tapping it on your forehead saying quietly to yourself "who am I...who am I?" You may remember this scene from the breakfast club where the geek is trying to write his self essay.
Who am I???? Well, I know that I am potentially a loser because I am on this website because (who am I joking) I am unable to meet a guy the natural way so I have to resort to this rediculous "man shopping" technique where I scroll through profiles as if I am trying to purchase a pair of shoes.
Who am I??? My first profile read something like this. "I am a single mother of a young boy who means the world to me. I am looking for someone that will understand my son is my main priority and that I spend a lot of time with him. I am a hard worker, I will make you laugh and I have a lot of confidence."
A guy would read that and it would translate to..."I am a divorced mom who really has no time for dating but decided I would do this because my kid is a pain in the ass and I need someone to watch him while I go to Yoga class. I am a hard worker so I will make lots of money so you can sit on your ass and play x box for 22 hours a day and I have a lot of confidence so I know you will be able to complete your marathon of man couching."
That profile was in existence for about a year until I found another dating site that I wanted to try. It was on this site that I actually attempted to be a bit more honest with my profile. Instead of writing what I wanted in a guy, I decided to write what I DIDN'T want in a guy. See, dating had become very similar to buying a house. You know how you move to your first place and you don't care what it looks like. You don't care what color the paint in the kitchen is, you don't care if the roof leaks, hell you don't even care if the toilets flush only on tuesdays and major holidays. All you care about is that you are on your own and this place is yours!!! Well, after being in that home for a while, you start to figure out what it is that you want. You find that a big window above the kitchen sink is nice and how you would really like to have a sky light in the bathroom. You start to dream of houses with hardwood floors and an office wired for surround sound. You envision a side by side refridgerator and a shower where you don't have to contort like a member of cirque de soleil just so you can wash your hair. YOU DREAM OF A GARAGE...
Much like that dream home, you start to think about what you want in a guy. You have a certain type of person in mind and you aren't afraid to list out what you are looking for. You decide to edit your profile and like a customer ordering an omelette at IHOP, you list all the ingredients you want. "A little bit of humor, extra confidence, easy on the eyes and no cockiness. Can you tell the chef I am allergic to cockiness?" My new profile was more fun, more honest and it made me feel like I could actually be me in my quest for the perfect guy. I listed the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the....I said that my favorite piece of jewelry I own is a macaroni necklace made by my son. I said that I would rather grocery shop than any other type of shopping, that I only own five pairs of shoes, that I HATE iced tea and that I learned how to bartend at the age of 8. It was a brutally honest list of characteristics...and I was proud to say that I had more success this time around than any other.
Yes, Bubba emailed me. He was a cross country trucker and had a love for sunflower seeds, big gulps and beef jerky. He loved to listen to Reba Macintyre and could stay awake for at least 2 of the 3 states he drove through in a day. He was also into reading poetry, loved Harry Potter and had enough red bull in his fridge to awaken a small city. He was just looking at my profile and realized how much we had in common and wanted to meet me next time he was in the area. Bubba was online all the time, which made me think he was surfing the net while behind the wheel.
Next was Carl, he had a daughter my age so he felt he could really connect with me (ew, delete and then BLOCK SENDER)
Then "simbionic" he told me I was absolutely delicious.
"mr. nice guy" said I was the kind of girl he would like to nibble on
"irish man" asked me if I had any Irish in me and when I hesitated he went on to say "well would you like some?"
DELETE
sigh...this is going to be harder than I thought.
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