Watching house hunters one night, I am drawn to the show about one particular couple that is looking for a new home. They are holding hands, so in love, and have a dream of finding their first place. The story is always the same "Jimmy and Julie are looking for their first home. They were just married a few months ago and have started to look for a house in the south of France. They have a budget of 750 million and a down payment equivalent to Bill Gate's savings account. They are looking for a home with 16 bedrooms, 32 bathrooms and room to build a winery." Jimmy and Julie are obviously in love. They have a lot of money and fly in their private jet to check out the first of three homes. Julie walks into each home and says the same thing "oh this would be great for entertaining, but it's kind of small." The dining room holds a table that seats enough people to reenact the last supper...if each apostle brought a date, and has wooden beams that hold up a 25 foot ceiling. This is Jimmy and Julie's vacation home. She is wearing a diamond ring that I am sure was originally dropped to the bottom of the ocean by the old woman on titanic, and Jimmy is tan and has fake white teeth. Each room that they enter echos the same thing "oh, look at the granite counter tops sweetie. Look at the view. I would like to be closer to the ocean though." The house is so close to the ocean that there is a large walleye flopping on the front porch. Julie would like to be in the surf.
The bedrooms each have their own walk in closet and bathroom. The bathtub seats 6 and allows you to swim laps. Of course, it comes furnished, but Julie won't have the decor of bedroom number 7. "It is just too mauve. I don't like mauve. We will have to redo this entire room."
I hate Julie.
I sit back in disgust. Knowing that if I were on the show it would be a bit different. "Sarah is looking for her first home. She has a down payment of 13.00 and a budget of 254 dollars and 32 cents... wait....33 cents. She is searching for a home with four walls with hopes of adding a roof someday." The host walks me toward a small box nestled behind a wal mart. "This was a refrigerator box but someday you can add on a washer and dryer box to add more room."
I am not sure how I missed the boat on great ways to save money or how to live comfortably. I work enough hours to appear that I should have money, but instead I live in a rental apartment and wonder how I will make my next rent payment.
There are different levels of broke...
1. The "can't go out this week" broke.
2. The "can't go out this month" broke
3. The "sell your son's clothes that don't fit him anymore and even some of the ones that do, but you know you will get some good money for them" broke.
4. "happy meal for dinner" broke
5. "no paper towels but coffee filters and toilet paper do the job just fine" broke.
6. "what do I have around my house I can sell" broke.
7. "mixed veggies in the HEB can" broke.
8. "eating your son's chicken nuggets and pb&J for a week" broke.
I sit and look up at my diploma, wondering if it was all worth it. What the heck did I even go to college for? I am not living comfortably, I am not able to pay my bills..the only thing I do know how to do is stress.
This is definitely a grass is always greener on the other side, kind of deal. I am sure that everyone has money problems, but how are people able to have houses and house payments?
I decided to meet with a realtor, which I compare to me going and test driving a rolls royce. It is something that I know will probably never happen, but I want to see what it would feel like to own one. The realtor meets me for coffee one Saturday morning. I see her walk in and she is your typical realtor. Her hair is perfect, she is wearing an outfit that looks like it was purchased at Macy's this morning. I am sure her dry cleaning bill is equivalent to my rent. She scoots all 5'1" of her frame up to the table and sits next to me. "so, let's talk about your financial situation. What do your bills look like?" I smile at her "well, they come in an envelope with a stamp and they make me want to throw up while I am opening them. I mostly store them in a box on my desk but sometimes they make it into my bill organizer." She finds me very amusing and thinks I am kidding.
"No, Sarah, let's talk about your debt. Do you know about how much debt you have in credit cards?"
I look at her with a blank stare, I know that exactly 22 people are still employed at wells fargo because of the amount I have accumulated in late fees. In fact, they send me Christmas cards every year to thank me.
"uhm, yeah, it is kind of a lot."
"ok, what is a lot? 4 grand? 5 grand?"
I automatically take on the persona of Bob Barker. "higher, higher, higher." She keeps rambling numbers until she gets to the right number. "STOP!!" I say as the number spills from her mouth with a look of panic.
"yeah, that is about right."
"ok
"I am sorry, what is that?"
"savings...how much do you have in savings?"
"uhm...well, what day is today?" I stop and look off into the distance as if there is an imaginary calendar in the sky. "it's Saturday so I have 4.00"
She quickly jots down 4.00 as if it would be a number she can actually use to decide my loan amount. I nonchalantly draw imaginary circles on the table and reach for my coffee. I don't belong here...with a realtor. My car does not even know what the "F" is for on the gas gauge. It only knows the blaring yellow blinking light and the "E". I still have maternity underwear in my drawer and my son is 6. I don't belong here. Jimmy and Julie belong here....with their hand holding-excited looking-24 million dollar down payment-cup of cappuccino.
The realtor does not bat an eye and asks me about my debt.
"So, what type of down payment can you afford?"
"how does the bank feel about six year olds?"
She laughs again at me and clasps her hands together. "do you have any money put aside for a down payment? You should probably have about..." She pulls a calculator out of her briefcase and begins punching numbers. She might as well be playing Simon says for how much relevance this whole process has. "7,000.00 for a down payment, but I would suggest 10,000 for any unexpected costs upon move in."
Unexpected costs....what the hell is that? Is that like, mortgage?
She has GOT to be joking. I had to scrounge just to find enough money to pay my electric bill. She wants me to come up with 10 grand like it is coming across a stick of gum in the bottom of my purse seconds after I smoked a cigarette. "oh, SWEET!!"
In my mind I am wondering what type of job a six year old could get..."walmart greeter, busser..." the ideas start rolling in my head. "10 grand, really?" She looks at me and sits back a bit, "well, when my husband Mark and I moved into our home, we only had 13 grand put aside for a down payment, and we had to put in a new air conditioner one month after we moved in. It cost us 2 grand (we had it of course) but still, it was not something we expected."
Something I would not expect was to be talking to a realtor again.
She pulls her piece of paper into my view which I, by now, assume to have doodles of what appears to be me getting steam rolled by a banker in a John Deer tractor. The paper, amazingly enough, has numbers written all over it. "If you can get this credit card paid off in the next 6 months and you get this credit card down by 50%, and the other down to nothing, we can talk about getting you into a house." She smiles very confidently and looks at me waiting for me to respond.
I know she was talking to me, but the only thing I heard was "if you can pay off this credit card in the next 60 years, and the other down to the price of a new Toyota, we can talk about getting you into a house. If you can somehow learn how to whore yourself out and still feel good about yourself at the monthly PTA meetings, then we can find a place that will work for you." I want to turn around and see who she is talking to. She is still smiling at me, the same sweet smile that is on her business card, waiting for me to answer.
My mind goes to the question of why Realtors always put their picture on their business cards. Do they think that I will buy from them because they do not have a third eye or a horn with two fuzzy dice hanging from their forehead? I guess people buy houses from pretty people and I should obviously be working with the fuzzy dice horn guy.
She is still smiling at me. I know that Jimmy and Julie would have made some sort of decision by now and would be strolling the ocean front drinking champagne and wearing matching white capris. I want to get up and run out the front door. I want to ask her what organ she expects me to sell in order to come up with this money, but instead I look at her with a small head tilt and big smile and say "great,....that seems doable."
She leaves me in the parking lot and gets into her volvo and speeds off. I am left to stand in the parking lot with a snicker hanging on my tongue. I reach into my pocket and find a quarter and two nickles...."she has another 45 cents to put toward that down payment folks". Julie and Jimmy would be proud.
