All...men...are...like...shoes.
Every pair of shoes in your closet resembles a man in your life or a man that you wish could be in your life. I will break it down for you.
The hiking boot:
This is the rugged very supportive guy that can endure almost anything. He is outdoorsey, weather resistant and can deal with hiking up a mountain or wading through the water. He is everything that is healthy and good for you but he is not very practical. He doesn't work with every outfit and for a shoe that you just want to slip on, he takes a lot of lacing up and tightening up. You cannot just throw on the hiking boot for a trip to the gas station or the grocery store because then people expect you to be driving a subaru and own lots of patagonia jackets. The hiking boot is hot, but take it out of it's element, say paired with a nice evening dress, and he is just like that song "one of these things is not like the other."
The stiletto
This shoe is HOT!! It is drop dead gorgeous and just looks pretty on you. You dream about the moment that you can wear the stiletto and plan the perfect outfit just around this shoe. You walk around in them and look at yourself from all angles with this shoe. Heck, you even stand in your closet when the rest of your shoes aren't looking and just stare at the stiletto. This is the shoe that is so pretty, you want to parade in front of all your other friends and just happen to "bump" into your old boyfriends when you are in the stiletto. These shoes are amazing, but you can really only wear them once in a blue moon because they hurt your feet like a bitch and you find that you cannot actually feel most of your toes after a night of wearing them. Yeah, they look good and they make you feel good, but after one night with them you realize they are more hassle than they are worth, that you actually feel a little slutty after wearing them and you hurl them to the back of your closet until another night comes along where you just want to feel pretty again...and 'lol and behold, you seem to forget how much pain they caused you.
The flip flop
These are also known as "mr. dependable". The flip flop is always there, it goes with absolutely any outfit and is extremely low maintenance. You are able to find the flip flop in a pinch and you can throw them on for a quick trip to the mailbox, the pool, the bar, you name it. BUT, they are not very supportive, can tend to be flaky after a long trip and can actually be known to fly off your foot and be found upside down in the middle of the 6th street bar district. The flip flop is always there, but if you happen to lose him, there are a million others just like him to be found. You don't wear him over to your mom's house because then she will just ask you when you are going to find a nice orthopedic shoe that will support you and make you stand up straighter.
The orthopedic shoe:
This is the very supportive shoe. The shoe that you picked out when you were with your mom and she made comments like "just try it on, you may find that you like the way they feel." They are not always very pretty, but if you catch it in just the right light, it may have a nice glow to it where you go, "you know, those shoes are really not THAT bad." You wear these shoes only when your back hurts, or you know you are going to have a long day. You leave them toward the back of the closet and hope that the other shoes don't judge you when you put them on. You hate to admit it, but after an entire day with the orthopedic shoe, you have to admit that your mom was right and that this supportive shoe makes you feel better than all the other shoes you have BUT....there may be another shoe out there that is just as supportive but maybe looks just a little bit better.
The shoe in the window at Nordstrom's
You want this shoe so bad. You really really gotta have it. You walk by it whenever you are at the mall. You imagine all your outfits and how good it would make you feel. Sometimes, when you are at home, you dream about this shoe and fantasize about being with the shoe. But,...this shoe is WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE. You have no business buying a shoe like this. It doesn't go with anything you already own....and even though you think you would wear them everyday, you wouldn't. You need to get this shoe out of your mind.
Old reliable
This is the pair of shoes that your mom, your grandma your uncle your postman your dentist and your friends wish you would just get rid of. BUT YOU CAN'T. This pair of shoes have been in your life for so long that you cannot imagine your life without them. You have come close to throwing them out many times, but they always end up finding their way back to your closet and into your life. They are ugly, they need to be washed, they are not good for you, they do not support you, but you love this shoe. When your friends come over, you quickly put the shoe into a witness protection program and hide it under the kitchen sink and disguise them as a pile of rags and some dish detergent. You will never admit you have the old reliable shoes still and if someone asks you "have you been wearing the old reliables?" You look at them in disgust and then say "oh my gosh, NO. I got rid of those months ago. We are so over." Then when you get home, you put them back on and talk about how great they feel when you are together.
You cannot purchase a pair of shoes that your best friend already has. You cannot even think about "thinking about" a pair of shoes that your friend just bought. These are your friends shoes and if you buy the same pair, then you are being a bitch and she will forever have her eye on you and wonder what else you are going to steel from her.
The "what the hell was I thinking" shoe.
This is the shoe that you bought on a whim and did not even give a second thought about. You may have been a bit under the shopping influence, perhaps had too much caffiene in the mall or too many soft pretzels, but these shoes you saw and without a second thought you purchased. Then, you get home, take them out of the box the next day and go "oh my God what the hell was I thinking?" In the light of the mall they looked so great. They had all the right creases and the shade was just perfect for what you were looking for. You are actually so ashamed that you have these shoes that you would rather just drop the entire discussion right now and move on.
Yes, all men are like shoes. Each one in your closet represents one guy that you have had in your life. Look at the guy you are with right now, and I guarantee you can come up with a pair of shoes that he resembles in your closet.
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