"I know I have one around here somewhere, now where did it go" I was sitting in my car rifling through my gym bag, pulling out shoes, countless odd socks, and a knee brace. "Ah, there it is" I pulled out the shiny wrapper from my bag. Just where I left it, just where it always will be. A granola bar....just in case.
The granola bar sat on my lap as I turned the keys in the car. I stopped and reached for the bar thinking "I knew It would be there, it always is...just in case"
And it hit me.
Right then and there.
That was me.
I was a granola bar.
To him.
Always there.
When he needed me.
Just in case.
I sat in the car for a moment and thought long and hard about this. I forgot about the damn granola bar.... Hell, I didn't sit in my office and think "I wonder how that granola bar is doing in the bottom of my bag" No, I went about my normal day to day life and didn't think about it until I needed it. Until my stomach was growling and there was no other food in site. It was my last resort. My "just in case". My back up.
And it was at that moment that I realized this is what I have been to too many guys in my life. I have been their granola bar. And I was tired of it.
So many times I had been the girl that was the last thought. The "oh I have already sat around and counted the ceiling tiles in the kitchen, organized my maxim's in the bathroom, and I'm bored with that one girl I have been hanging out with....I wonder what else is left....OH...I CAN CALL SARAH!!!" I was tired of it, tired of being the last thought, the last chosen.
Nobody really ever WANTS a granola bar. It's one of those things that somebody offers you and you say "do you have anything else?" Nobody ever says "ooh, you know what I could go for? A dry and crumbly oats n honey granola bar." No, people want cookies, they want cupcakes, they want ice cream cones. I wanna be someones chocolate cupcake with sprinkles. Because If you get a chocolate cupcake with sprinkles and you set it down because you bought it at 9 am on a tuesday and you are going to save it till after lunch, you think about that chocolate cupcake ALL....DAY....LONG. You look at it, you glance at it, you dream about it.
Nobody dreams about a damn granola bar.
I want to be his chocolate cupcake. But instead, I am that "Just in case"girl. The girl on the back burner that he will see when has an hour to spare before his next "client" dinner. I get called a "friend" and I listen to his stories about girls he is dating and how he is going to all these amazing places with them...places I wish I would get to go with him. But instead, I am pushed to the bottom of the duffle bag, just to be forgotten until I am needed.
Now, your first thought is, "why do you put up with this, Sarah? You deserve better, you should be someones chocolate cupcake with sprinkles. Hell, you should be one of those ice cream sundaes that people travel to New York and stand in line for an hour just to sit down and finally get to experience" But instead...I am sitting here, glancing at my phone continuously hoping he picks me.
I know you have all been there. We have all had that person in our life that just turns our hearts inside out and makes us want to reach into our chests and knock some sense into it just so we can quiet the pain. And if it were so easy to say "you deserve better" and just walk away, trust me I would. But we all know that feeling of being hopelessly head over heels for someone...and to have zero control over our heart, regardless of what anyone says.
Being single in your forties is different then being single in your twenties. You feel like a gallon of milk in the fridge..hoping to be scooped up before your expiration date. You sit like a contestant on the price is right, hoping for your name to be called. You clutch onto your lottery ticket dreaming of your number to be chosen.....but instead you remain the one that shows up to parties by yourself. The one that listens quietly while your coworkers discuss what they are buying their boyfriends for Christmas and pretend not to care. You show up at weddings alone and stand awkwardly by yourself at the bar, because consuming large amounts of wine make you feel less lonely. You talk to yourself in the mirror, tell yourself that he is out there, that he will find you ...but each day makes you believe in him less and less, and your hope for him begins to disappear.
I have hope. I have hope that someday he will walk up to me and grab me and tell me that I am the only one he wants. That I am the one that he wants to be with, and that I can finally shed my shiny wrapper and be what he dreams of, what he thinks about all day.
