Wow, I have taken such a long break from writing..I am almost ashamed of taking this long of a hiatus.
See, when everything happens, and you feel so amazingly happy, you stop doing the things that brought you peace when you were sad. Writing was always my "go to" when I did not have anything else to turn to in my world. Now, only weeks before my 40th birthday I sit here at my computer, staring at the keys and wondering how in the hell I get back into do ing something that I used to love so much....but just have struggled with how to say it all.
First off, I know this has to be a place where I either say what I feel or not say it at all. That is what this book is all about, right? Feeling what you feel and saying it without fear. Not worrying about anything but what is the truth, and that is all.
The truth is I am trying to survive and cope with so many different things in my life right now, it is hard to wrap my head around them.
Number one, the Keeper. Oh how my heart hurts at even the thought of writing in here again, because he is the one that really urged me to start writing the book in the first place. If it weren't for him, I would not have pages of my history with red marks sitting next to me as we speak. I would have never sat down and put all these crazy experiences onto paper so that you could read it and laugh and cry and go "did that REALLY happen Sarah?"
I assure you, it all did.
The keeper turned out to not be the one for me. And I will never feel bad thoughts toward him. He taught me so many things, how to love how to laugh how to (try) and let go. But it was not the right fit, and we both agreed to let go and (painfully) move on with our lives. Yes, I miss him so much. My heart aches when I think of him, but I also know that he is moving forward with his life as well.
Second, trying to move forward with the relationship I have with my ex husband. I have never really written about him as I tried to not make this blog about my relationship with him at all. Sure, I said some crazy little things about him, but I never wanted to bash him or his family.
It is crazy how I look at the blog "resume play" and how I really felt like I could not move forward until I knew he was happy, and I think I will forever hold on to that concern. He is recently married and expecting a child with his new wife, it has been a true test of my most inner strength to move my own feelings to the back burner while I focus on what type of person she is to my son. In the beginning, I did not like her because, well who is supposed to really LIKE their ex's new girlfriend. I was irritated at most the things she did because they were either too nice, too sweet or just too....I don't know. I was not going to be a fan of her EVER!! Then I thought to myself one day...why do this? What is the point? Is it making it easier on you? Is your life BETTER because you hate her or because you puff up your chest a bit when you see her or make sure she knows you are Sam's mother? No, the only person that really hurts is your child. How about you get rid of all this crap you are feeling, it is not you at all, and just make things easier on your son. GET ALONG!! And I did it, I started smiling when I saw her, complimented her on her shoes (because we all know I can't shop for crap) told her stories about Sam when he was little and you know what...our lives became easier. We all started begin more calm around each other. My shoulders relaxed around her and I no longer felt it necessary to tug my shirt up and show her the stretch marks from giving birth to a small buick. She got it...she knew I was his mom and I didn't need to push her face in it anymore.
And my son was happier too. He no longer said things like "you know I love you mom" The poor kid felt, as a result of my insecurities, that he had to prove that he loved me. There is no reason you should put that responsibility on a child. They have enough to worry about.
There are all these changes that are happening in my life. I am trying to find happiness, but I really cannot figure out what that means to me. I have been so focused for on what happiness means to other people that I didn't realize mine was being pushed to the back of the shelf and collecting dust.
That is where I am at this moment. Standing on my tip toes, reaching toward the back of the shelf, searching for what makes me happy.
And it is just T-H-I-S much out of reach. I can see it, I can feel it, but dammit I cannot get my hands on it.
Frustration.
And yes, I have an ongoing choir of people with the "don't worry it will come when you least expect it." and the truth is NOTHING pisses me off more than when someone says that to me. It like when your tv doesn't work and some moron says "did you check to make sure it was plugged in?"
So I am going to take things into my own hands and get BACK to where I was when I needed to smile, when I needed to laugh, when I felt that I was my strongest....and that is through writing. This blog, almost 6 years in the making, has helped me in so many ways. Whether it be that I just look back and laugh at some of the people I met out or cry because of the ones that got away...bottom line is, it helped. And it has also helped others as well. The emotion and pride I felt when friends reached out to me and said "Sarah, I know you have experience with this, can you help me?" I was so absolutely honored to those of you that reached out to me. And if it is only those few people that loved my writing and learned something from it, well that is ok with me.
And so we begin the next chapter of my life. Years 40 and on....oh how I cannot wait to see what happens.
