I remember watching movies when I was a kid and if you pushed pause, there would be a button that appeared on the VCR that said "resume play". You could go do whatever it was you had to do, then you would come back, sit down, relax and "resume play".
Never in a million years did I feel I would be that way about my ex-husband and his new life. But it happened for me today...and it was eye opening. I imagine it like standing at a crossroads, one part of you looking forward, the other part of you looking back, wondering if you should let go of what is behind you.
It is my time to go forward, I have been holding back too long.
When I first got a divorce, I was guilt stricken and overwhelmed with self inflicted pain. If I felt happy for even a moment, then I would sabotage my happiness and put myself back where I belonged;
my own island of fear and regret.
On this island, I could dip my toes in the ocean, I could walk out about ankle deep into the water and feel the sand between my toes. Across the way, I could see "happiness land" but would never dream of leaving regret island. I needed to stay there until a certain someone became happy and was able to move on.
That person was my ex-husband.
I never really thought that it was a big deal that my own happiness was not a concern. I took a huge leap of faith on getting the divorce, and now it was time to sit back in the stands and watch my ex husband's life fall apart. It was painful and I peered through my fingers as if watching a horror flick. Each time we would meet for one reason or another, the amount of unhappiness he felt flooded me with tenacity. I would carry his pain home with me as I sat and thought about what I had done, and what my decision had caused this person to experience. Never once did I think about what pain I felt at the end of our marriage. Never once did I think "well this is what you felt everyday for a year, Sarah, he needs to understand this."
No, I only worried about him and what he was going through, and he knew that and played me like a pawn in game of chess.
For the months that followed our divorce, we would have one good moment for every thirty bad ones. He would be cheerful for one reason or another and I would start to deflate a bit of my fear and take a step forward. It was then that he would throw a nasty comment my way or a painful jab at my heart, and I was back on my island of regret, waiting for him to be happy again.
I used to say that my ex was like Windows, you never really knew what version you were going to get.
Saturdays were our meet up day, the day we would drop Sam off with one another. We met in a parking lot as if doing a drug swap. I would be in the parking lot of the local grocery store, sitting in my car, fingers drumming on the steering wheel, looking at the clock. "he said 4pm, it is now 4:13, he is making me wait because he is still mad." I would play this game with myself and feel my heart drop to the floor when I saw his car pull up.
Normally, I am a pretty confident person, but this man was able to make me feel like a child cowering in the corner once he was in my sight. I would see him get out of the car, and I would take a deep breath, ready to take whatever it was he was going to throw at me.
Sometimes, he would be very sullen and quiet, shooting random facts about our son at me. This is what he ate this weekend, this is who he played with, this is what he watched. Usually it was very factual and not of much substance. Kind of like white rice . Other times, he would be more chipper and I would feel elated at the prospect of him finding happiness. This would usually fall on the times that he had found a girlfriend and would offer details of his new dating life. I found it weird, mostly that I did not feel any tinge of jealously like I used to. I wanted him to be happy, but mostly had to downplay my excitement when he talked about another girl. I would want to ask questions about her, about her life, if he needed someone to help plan his next wedding, but I would just sit quietly while he bragged about all the woman he was dating. Our son, only two at the time, would be introduced to these woman like the dating game. "Bachlorette number one, how do you feel about fruit snacks for dinner?" I would be happy for my ex's new life, but I hated how he brought our son into the mix. I had dated a few guys that would never even see my son....and that was just fine with me.
One girl that he dated for about a year was introduced to me by "mistake". And when I say mistake I mean that it was the most planned meeting that my ex could have acted like he didn't mean to happen. We were meeting at our normal grocery store drop off spot, and he called last minute to say that he was going to have Candice with him because they had been somewhere with the kids all day. I was going to meet his new girlfriend and have to act like I was super jealous when I really didn't give a shit who he dated. I just figured that the happier he was the easier my life was.
When I pulled up to the parking lot, I had a fantasy about meeting this girl. In my version of meeting her, I jump out of the car and hug her like a long lost child. I stroke her hand and tell her that I am in awe of the woman that can put up with his crap and if she would like to perhaps think about marrying him? Of course, I remain calm, stand firmly on my feet and purse my lips together to keep the words from escaping my mouth. "Sarah, you cannot jump into her arms because she will think you are weird. You must keep your composure." I extend my hand out to her and give her a very nice greeting "nice to meet you Candice" I envision their holiday card with my ex and her on the hood of his bmw, wearing matching gray race jackets and bmw hats. In the background, me smiling with a big thumbs up..."he is yours now my dear. Enjoy!!" I pull out of the parking lot with my kid in the back and vow to babysit their future kids on date nights.
I know, you are wondering why I would ever be so excited about my ex and his new girlfriend. Well, when my ex is happy, I am happy. When I am happy, my kid is happy. It is a win win situation.
Sadly, the relationship did not work out between my ex and Candice. He eventually irritated her just as he did me, and he was back to being Captain Intolerable. We were back to him not speaking to me unless it involved money or a new top ten reason I had ruined his life. If he had a bad day, the phone would ring and he would start by saying "you got a minute?" I would of course say yes, and he would start with whatever he could think of to yell at me about. I got to the point where I would set the phone down and wait until I heard him say "Just thought you should know that is what I am going through now." (notice this is a practice I would resurrect in the post called "the Doctor". )
Months passed and I prayed about my ex finding love. It was at this time that I took a hiatus on my own dating life and focused on spending time with my son. I figured the more time my ex had to socialize, the more likely he was to meet someone.
He dated a number of girls here and there. I would hear about certain girls through Sam and curse how he would prance them through Sam's life with not a thought. Many of these girls that he dated would have kids, and Sam would quickly become attached to them. It was many a night that I had to explain why daddy's girlfriend would not be coming over anymore. I became more frustrated with my ex's lack of respect for our son's life and told him it had to stop. It would go down in history as the first day I ever stood up to him.
A year went by and then two. We mostly just kept to ourselves as the months went by, saying as little as possible to each other. Daily, I would wish I could get my thumbs insured because texting had proved to be the most tolerable method of communication. I never had to see him except for the drop off day on Saturday, and could usually find out all I needed to know through our son. As Sam grew older, he was able to remind us of things we had to bring to school, or what time his Christmas concert was. Our child had become a five year old notepad, yet another way to remember things.
It was during that time that my ex met a girl that I will call Molly. Molly was about ten years younger than my ex. She was extremely bubbly and happy. The first time I met her, I felt as if I had eaten a lb of sugar than watched Mr. Rogers on fast forward. She was like that frosting you get out of the can....sweet as can be, but you can only take so much of it.
Molly soon became a staple in my ex's life. And I say that because it was like someone had stapled her to his ass. She was everywhere that he was, just about three steps behind. She had this very timid way about her when she talked to me. Like if I were to talk too loud, her bottom lip might start to quiver. This (strangely enough) made me feel a bit powerful and more confident around the two of them. (not to mention that I was a good six inches taller than her.)
Molly was definitely a part of Sam's life too, though he could take her or leave her. He seemed about as interested in her as he was in the color of toilet paper I chose. "I don't like her at all." My son said one day, " she talks to me like a baby." I had experienced this first hand. When Sam would walk in a room where Molly and his dad were, she would bend over, put her hands on her knees and reach an octave only dogs could hear. "well hey there, how are you doing today buddy?" My son would roll his eyes and walk past her as I would fight the urge to sit her down and show her his birth certificate and prove he was not BORN YESTERDAY!!!!
I could have easily hated her, but found myself being the better person. I sat my son down and talked about how important it was to be nice to Molly because she was an adult and she made his daddy happy. It sometimes pained me to say these things, and take the side of suzie cupcake, but I wanted to be the good mom and the good ex wife. "Sam, you need to realize that the happier your dad is, the less he is going to bore us with stories about what type of steering column he wants for Christmas. She can deal with all that shit now."
Of course, I did not say that, but I wanted to.
Time has passed, and there are many many wounds yet to heal, but some of the pain has been forgotten. It was not until today that I truly felt the ability to leave my island of regret. I met my ex and Molly at breakfast and the two of us talked while my son played with his dad. I told her how happy I was for the both of them. "REALLY?????" She said, in a wide eyed expression. I felt as if I had just told her she earned a new girl scout patch. "yeah, really. Molly, since you have come into his life, he has been so much easier for me to deal with. And I thank you for that."
I don't know what she was expecting me to say, but in my own little "effed" up way, I complimented her. She was letting him focus all his crabbiness on her instead of me, and it was a very joyful time for me.
From across the park, I saw them glance at each other. He kissed the air as if to blow her a kiss and she giggled like a little school girl. They locked eyes for a moment then she turned to me and blushed....trying to hide her happiness. "Molly, I am really happy for you. This is the happiest I have seen him in four years, and I really thank you for that. He is not a bad guy, he just wasn't the right guy for me." I stood up and saw my ex walk toward me. He smiled at me and waved..."see you soon Sarah. Have a great weekend."
My mother said it best, "Sarah, You were just waiting for him to be happy before you let yourself feel happy. I know how you are." Perhaps I was just looking out for him. Perhaps I felt I owed him something. Maybe I just wanted to make sure he was ok before I moved on.
It was at that moment that I stepped off my island of regret and began to set sail toward my own happiness.
