My computer sat on the table in front of me, screen open with the name of my blog looking up at me like a girlfriend just waiting to get the scoop after you went out on a date with your dream guy. I would set my fingers on the keys and open my mouth, about to tell the story and then pull back my hands immediately. Like I had suddenly touched a hot plate, i recoiled from the laptop and placed my hands in my lap. Quietly shutting the computer and putting a halt to the story that wanted to emerge....I just couldn't.
I was stuck.
Stuck in a spot where there was nothing to write. I wasn't dating anyone and I was just over the entire search. My heart was exhausted from meeting guy after guy only to find that they weren't the one that I was looking for. I was now just becoming obsessed in finding "HIM" and it no longer was real anymore. I no longer felt like I would meet anyone that would be worth a damn and I just was plain OVER IT.
So, I put my computer away. I put my blog away and silenced the part of me that was on a quest to meet the guy of her dreams. There was nothing natural about the process I was putting myself through and there was nothing but stress and heartbreak in my life. I was tired of getting my hopes up only to be thrown into a reality where I would once again put a "1" in the rsvp column of my life.
And then my mom got cancer.
I remember that day so clearly and keep in mind I can barely remember what i had for breakfast yesterday.
I can still see the table, covered in kleenexes.
I can still feel the tears, relentless in their delivery, falling so quickly that I finally stopped fighting them.
I can still see my shoulders, my body, my head hung down in disbelief.
Cancer.
Colon Cancer
My son was upstairs and I remember hanging up with my mom and going to talk to him about it. He sat up in bed and put his arms around me. I let the tears fall, no longer trying to hid the fact we have all been waiting for the reports to come back from the doctor. Her colonoscopy had shown signs of polyps and she was to undergo a colonoscopy to remove part of her colon.
Then there would be chemo.
You are joking, right God? Like I didn't have enough challenges in my life at this point. I was a single mom of a young boy, barely making it through my month, always stressing about money, always stressing about relationships, and now you decide to give me this? I was mad....no I was IRATE. I couldn't understand why this had to happen. My parents were planning on picking up and moving to Texas after living their entire lives in Wisconsin. I was so excited to have them come and live close by after so many years of struggling as a single mom,...I was going to have help.
But I never invited cancer...but it showed up anyway.
Unannounced.
Uninvited.
Like that awkward girl at the party that your boyfriend slept with while you were dating him.
My mom decided to go with the chemotherapy after I and doctors convinced her she would die if she didn't. "I want you to be at Sam's wedding...I want you to be at my wedding for God's sake!! Fight this mom."
I had no experience with cancer or chemotherapy. I had no knowledge of chemo bags or oncologists or ports....the only thing I knew about cancer was what I saw on tv. Always a woman with a scarf and lying in bed talking about fighting. They never show you the ugly stuff. The stuff that really hit home and made you feel like the most helpless person on this earth. That moment when your mom is lying on the couch cringing in pain and can't even get up to go to the bathroom because she is so sick. That moment when you touch her forehead for the thousandth time because you are sure her fever has gotten worse. That moment where you sit on your bed with your head in your hands and finally cry the tears you have been holding in for the last month so she doesn't see your fear.
No, tv only shows you people crossing finish lines in a cancer t shirt and hugging their grandkids saying things like "I didn't think that I would be here."
I was so mad. I was angry because God took my mom and made her the daughter and pushed me to the front of the line and handed me the "mom" shirt. I was thrown into my new life and role reversal became my life. I made sure she ate, monitored her medications and lived in a haze for that 9 months. My calendar had large numbers on it showing the days of chemo....the days where they would strap a bag of chemo to her like a pageant badge and send her away for two days. I hated every minute of it and just wanted to climb into the driver seat of my car and go somewhere where I wouldn't have to see her suffer. Where I wouldn't have to see her face cringe when she moved or watch her literally pull her hair out of her head. My mom was falling apart (literally) in front of my eyes,..and there was nothing left in my world but cancer.
So when people said "what happened to your blog? It was so funny" I just didn't know what to say. So often I would come home and stare at my laptop like it was a grandparent that I knew that i had to call but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't even look at it....
And then I thought, why not write about it? Yes it's painful, no it's not funny and it's ok to not have a warm and fuzzy Folgers moment with everything you write.
So here I am.
Writing about the not so pretty stuff and knowing that it is, in some way shape or form, turning me into the person that I am. And so I opened the laptop and opened my blog and selected the "new post" option that has been frightening me for so long.
Looking back, I don't know why I say this or if this is just my way of dealing with it, but i think about what Cancer brought into my life. What it brought into our lives. Sure it sucked but I can't take away the fact that it happened. I can't stop it from being a part of my mom's life or my life or my dad's life. We are still dealing with it everyday and it has been months since that port was sewn up and the last chemo day scratched off the calendar. I had to look at cancer in a new way and not give it the wings that it had for so long with me. I instead had to look at it for what it brought to our lives.
It brought my parents here. For months they talked about moving and once my mom found out about the diagnosis she made a definite date for moving to Texas to live with me. I don't think they would have come here if it were for the cancer as quickly as they did.
It made me look at my relationships with the people in my life and know that they are not immune to anything. It made me look at my relationship with my son and know that it could happen to me. Cancer made me hug tighter, laugh longer, smile brighter.....it was the only way that I could deal with what hand had been given to me.
And now we are moving forward. We aren't at the finish line yet. We are taking each day as it is, a gift. Cancer is still in our lives, it's like a ghost that still floats down the hallways of our home and hovers over us not saying a word. We don't talk about it or look at it but we know it is still around. I am ok as long as it doesn't make contact with me, my son or anyone else in my life. In a weird crazy way, I respect it for what it brought to my life...but I don't want to give it anymore power than it already had.
So yeah...my life took a silent crazy turn. My stories were put to rest for a bit and my dating life was the last thing I even wanted to think about.
And amidst all this craziness that was whirling about in my life, while I was head down in my sorrow and worrying about my family and what was next for them.....
Sarah met someone...and yeah....it was when I wasn't looking.
