The ring on my finger was a silver ring with a bright blue stone, the color blue you see in the brightest sky in summertime. You could turn the ring from side to side and see a faint white star in the center. It was big for my hand, but I wore it anyway on my middle finger and stroked his hand very carefully. He had given it to me after my college graduation and it lived in my jewelry box tucked away in a little blue bag. He had his arms crossed on his chest, the purple DNR bracelet sitting next to the hospital id bracelet. His hands a pale grey hidden behind tuffs of grey hair on his arms. Age spots decorated his hands like drops of chocolate and they made very little movement at all. I leaned down very closely and whispered "grandpa, I'm here, I love you very much." He looked like a child in the big hospital bed. His neck supported by a large white collar and tubes going into his already fragile arms. The gentle humming of the machines gave way to the stillness in the room. My grandmother stood by his side "oh Heavens....oh dear...he just left for a minute. He was just going out for a minute,...Oh Sarah isn't that the darndest thing what happened?"
My grandmother stood next to me and held my hand. She looked lost...no...she looked absent. The once rosey complexion she owned on her cheeks was now pale and grey. I stood next to her and put my arm around her. It was difficult for her to grasp after 66 years of marriage what had just happened and the dimensia did not help things at all. "Sarah, isn't that the darndest thing that happened? He just left for a minute." I smiled a sweet smile at my grandmother. "I know grandma. It happened so fast."
It did happen fast....My grandparents were very independent. The still lived in their own house at the ripe age of 86. They had been married for 66 years and had three children (one of which is my mother Denise, the middle child). My mother took care of my grandparents as she was the only child that lived in the same city. She checked on them every Friday and helped with their bookwork and medications and doctor visits. It was getting close to the time that my grandfather probably needed to have his drivers license taken away as he had been diagnosed with Parkinsons and was having more an more issues with the illness.
It was a normal day, just like any other day. Their routine was the same as it had been for the last 25 years since my grandfather stopped working at my parents restaurant. He would get up, they would go for coffee and then they would go to the store. On December 10th, my grandfather woke up and did that very same thing, only for some reason he dropped my grandmother off first, then he went to the store. He went to pick up some groceries, and on the way back T-boned a truck. My grandfather was not wearing his seat belt and he broke his neck immediately.
"isn't that the darndest thing, Sarah? It happened so fast." I held the tears back as I looked at my mom. She did not want us to cry in the room in front of my grandfather, even though he was in a coma. His hands would move from his chest up to his neck brace and with one long index finger, he would stroke the adams apple on his neck. He then reached up and grabbed his brace with both hands, strong as can be for an 86 year old man with Parkinsons, and tried to pull that brace off. My mom and I each grabbed a hand and held on to it. "Dad, I know you don't like that thing on your neck, but we have to keep it on. You have a broken neck." She was hunched over his bedside, his small now lifeless hand in hers as she stroked his arm. Her fingers readjusting the DNR bracelet on his wrist.
I stood by his side for three days. All of us were there, my grandmother, my dad my mom, my brother and his wife, my niece. We were all there. We stood by him while we talked to him and I read him poetry from one of my favorite books. Each moment, I fought to keep the tears in so that he would not hear me cry. My mom wanted the doctor to explain what had happened, and she did not want to be in the room while he did it. I stayed behind and held his hand, letting the tears fall freely as she was not there to tell me to stop. My hands grasped his as I told him I loved him over and over again. "Grandpa, I am so glad I have you in my life to be my guardian angel now. I love you."
He passed away on December 17th, just 2 days after I had to return to Austin so that I could make sure I was there for my son for Christmas. I felt horrible that I had to miss his funeral, but I knew that I was there when I needed to be. The night that he was laid to rest, the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen lit up the sky like a deep pink and purple ribbon, almost as if to say "ha ha, look what I can do."
It was after that night that things started to happen for me.
I had been having second thoughts about my relationship that I was in. I felt stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic and really wasn't sure how to move forward with it anymore. My boyfriend at the time and I went for a walk around town lake. We started fighting within the first five minutes of the walk. No...yelling within the first five minutes of the walk. I turned around at one point and started walking the other direction, leaving him behind me. I sat on a park bench, tears welling in my eyes, so tired of the fighting and the constant drinking. I said a quiet prayer to my grandfather to help me. To help me move forward and get out of that relationship for good and move on. To give me the strength, to give me a sign that he was there listening to me. It was at that exact moment that a red cardinal landed in front of me. Bright as can be, this brilliant red bird stood out in a sea of green grass and brown brush. He just looked at me as if to say "yes, I'm here." I burst into tears immediately, I knew it was my grandfather. Without a doubt.
Later the next day, I started looking for therapists to go to that specialized in alcoholism, but nobody would speak to me. Nobody wanted to talk to me because they did not have the expertise I needed. Also, I was not the alcoholic, why would I be searching for help? I finally found a guy that would talk to me. He said he did not have a license in alcohol and drug dependency, but his coworker did and his office was next door. He gave me his number and I made an appointment to see him as soon as I could. "Tim" as I will call him, was from the school of hard knox, and he helped me move forward in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. I remember that first day I visited "Tim" as I could feel the weight on my shoulders of the situation I put myself in. He was tough, but he helped me move past the relationship. That is all I will divulge about my time with him, but I know it was my grandfather that put "Tim" in my life.
That next week, I was closing out the end of my year at work and we would find out what our bonuses were going to be. Since this was my first bonus with my new position, I had no idea what to expect. In the past, I had always gotten a bonus, but it was usually just enough for me to put aside a months' living expenses. When I found out the amount I had coming back to me, I was floored. It was an incredible amount more than what I had received in the past. What was I going to do with this money? I could pay off all my debt, pay off my car...or....I could do something I had wanted to do for so long. Put a down payment on a house. I picked up the phone and called my realtor. She had been my friend and confidant for the past 7 years and she had been there for me the entire time helping me get ready to buy a home when I was ready. "So, do you think it's enough to have for a down payment?" I asked her in a quick voice....."I mean, when is the next time I am going to have this kind of money?" She replied back "yes, I do think we can make it work."
The next few weeks were a blur for me. I assumed the house search would be a big commitment of looking at places, driving around for hours, bidding wars....but none of that was true for me. I walked into the second house on a bright sunny spring morning and I knew I was home. I was able to put in a bid and the seller accepted it immediately. It was like it was meant to be. Though I was worried about the house payments and how I would manage after moving from an apartment to a house, I was quickly reassured when my raise came in just two weeks after I bought the place....and my raise....well it was for exactly the difference between my apartment and my house. EXACTLY...to the dime. I shit you not.
When I moved into my house, I felt a sense of home that I had not felt for years. Maybe ever. The glory of being a homeowner was overwhelming to me. I would sit on my front porch and watch the cars go by, rocking on my rocker and sipping coffee. It was then that I saw the cardinal again. Bright as can be, on the sidewalk in front of my house, just staring at me. Tears filled my eyes immediately, "hi grandpa...see, I'm ok." I wiped the tears from my cheek and smiled at the bird. It just sat there, not moving, staring at me. I smiled and laughed to myself....he is watching me. I know it.
There have been other times I have seen the cardinal. On Mothers day, after having a tough day I drove home and parked in my driveway. I rested my head on the steering wheel and started to have my pity party when I looked up and saw it. Sitting on my white mailbox, the red cardinal. A week later, I was driving to work and having a rough morning when a semi pulled in front of me, on the back was a big painted red cardinal....I just knew at that point that he was there.
On a night not long ago, I sat and prayed to my grandfather. I told him I was ok and that I really appreciated him being there for me, but I needed him to watch over my mom and grandma. I said that they needed his help, they needed the guidance. I was ok, he had done so much for me and I appreciated everything...but I really needed him to watch over them. It has now been a month, and I have not seen my red cardinal.
"I have to tell you something" my mom and I were talking on Sunday morning as we often do, "what's up? " I said to her. My mom and I are very close so she is aware of all the great things that were happening in my life. We both discussed that we thought it was grandpa and that I had seen the red cardinal at various times in my life. "I took grandma to lunch this morning and on our way back to her place guess what we saw....I took in a deep breath. I knew what she was going to say,..."You saw a red cardinal!!!" There was a brief pause, then her answer "yes, yes we did."
Thanks Grandpa...I knew I could count on you.
