the counselor

The counselor. 
The last real guy I dated.
This is his story. 

I met the counselor on line.  He found me and started to message me immediately.  He had this reddish brown hair, scruffy five o'clock shadow and was wearing a suit in his profile pic. We spoke a few times over the phone and then he asked to meet me out for happy hour one Friday night.  On my way to the bar, he called to say he was already there and had a table set aside for us. 

a guy that shows up before I do?  I was used to doing some writing before a date showed up so I could capture the true feelings of  how I felt like I was the mother in a sea of toddlers clutching martini glasses.  I walked into the bar and there he was, suit and tie, sitting at a table.  He stood up and towered at least 4 inches above me.  I immediately envisioned wrapping my arms around his neck and not having to be the one to reach the bowl that was on top of the fridge. 

We sat and talked at the bar for a few hours but found that it was just to loud to hear each other.  He pulled his fancy lawyer wallet out of his jacket pocket and set one of 16 credit cards on the table.  My thoughts drifted away to ski vacations and cruises to the Bahamas.  I imagined us both playing golf, him with a polo on and me with those cute little golfer skorts and a white visor.  We wouldn't go on vacation, we would "summer" to places like Martha's vineyard and Cozumel.  Our home would be featured on HG TV and be filled with weekends of entertaining guests with private chefs and hired help. 

Back to reality, we decided to go to the bar next door and grab a beer.  There was a leather couch in the corner that he sunk into and I sat next to him with one leg crossed over the other bobbing up and down to the beat of the music.  As each beer came and went, he got closer and closer.  Told me he liked my shoes and used that as an excuse to put my leg on his lap.  I reached over and loosened his tie, he rubbed my arm and pushed the hair out of my face when he talked to me.  His touch was so sweet and he was so smart.  He told me stories of how he was a lawyer, where he was from, but he asked me questions about myself as well.  I felt myself staring at his features and studying the movements he made when he spoke.  He was so intelligent, and very well versed.  Many times I smiled when he spoke as I had no idea what the word meant that he just said. 

He would stop and smile back..."what" he would say.  I just tilted my head and said "I need to start carrying a dictionary with me.  If you say something I don't understand, would it weird you out if I stopped you mid sentence to look it up?" 

The night came to an end, and he asked me if he could walk me to my car.  I slipped my arms through his and felt (for the first time in a long time) like I wasn't the jolly green giant.  We got to my car and he leaned in and my heart started to beat like crazy...he threw me for a loop and very sweetly planted a kiss on my cheek, said he had a great time and stood there while I slid in the driver seat.  I pulled away, sent a little wave his way and drove off.  He was still standing there when I drove off, as I glanced into my rear view mirror. 

What a difference a professional can make. 

We met a few days later for a hike.  He and I met up and drove to a hiking trail and made our way up about a mile or so.  He and I talked and got to know each other, asking all the questions you ask on a first date. 

Now, there are certain things that I will admit, should have put me an uneasy spot...but hindsight...ah the hindsight I have experienced, if only I would have paid attention to it. 

See, the counselor was not yet divorced.  His profile stated that he was "separated". Now I was smart enough to know that plenty of people had divorces that went on and on for months, sometimes years!!!  Especially if there were children involved and one parent was being difficult. 

This is where you go "oh Sarah, what the hell were you thinking?"  The counselor did have kids.  Three kids, and one of them was only 8 months old.  8 months old!!!  That meant he was still doing late night feedings, changing diapers.  That meant that his soon to be ex was possible still wearing maternity underwear and breast feeding THEIR baby.  Wow...I so wanted to ask him about that one, but felt it was too big of a question for the second date. 

We sat on a boulder and looked at the scenery while we talked.  He told me about how he was living at his office while his divorce was being processed.  He told me that his ex was signing the paperwork and they would be officially divorced in July.  He made it all sound so matter of fact that I didn't question it.  It wasn't until his cell phone rang that he saw it was his dad calling and said "do you mind if I take this?"  He then answered the phone "hi dad" and brought a finger to his lips so to pantomime a "ssshhh". 

I sat quietly next to him, tracing my foot in the sand while he spoke to his dad.  Part of me felt like I had to hold my breath "he probably isn't ready to tell his dad he is dating right now.  I will respect that." 

The counselor and I hung out for a few weeks after that.  We grew closer and he stayed with me on nights my son was not with me.  It was about three weeks in he asked me if I wanted to see where he was staying.  I had imagined an apartment above an office downtown, but nothing prepared me for what he showed me. 

We pulled up to a small business park with two stories of buildings.  It was late, but noticed he parked toward the back of the parking lot.  I walked in behind him and was met by a large desk where the receptionist sat.  We walked to the back of the office and he showed me where his office was and then we came to a door that was locked.  He opened it slowly and I was met with a vision of a dorm room.  There was a twin sized mattress only on the floor.  A small desk in the corner with a computer on it, a suit rack and about 23 books on law.  I immediately was taken back to my college years and expected to see a small dorm fridge in the corner and a supply of ramen nearby. "this is where you live?"  I thought, but just kept the comments to myself.  I was looking around the office to see where his bathroom was, but there was only a sink and a toilet in the room next door.  I won't even begin to imagine where he showers. 

The whole introduction to where he was living should have been the red flag, but of course, understanding as I am, I filled my mind with "well, he is going through a divorce and is not sure where he is going to live and needs to wait to sell his house."  I immediately felt pity toward him and saw him as a father that did what he had to do. 

"so, when you have the girls, where do they sleep?" 
"Oh, I go over to my wife's house." 
---did he just say wife?  He hasn't even gotten the word ex into his vocabulary long enough to  be able to say it in his everyday language. 
"yeah, it's just easier on the girls for me to go over there.  I sleep on the couch." 
Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt  theeeeeeeeeeeee fuccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkk" 

You would THINK this would have sent Sarah into a state of protecting herself, running from this situation, but NO.  She continued to date this guy. 

The night of her birthday was the kicker.  He showed up at her house to pick her up and they went to meet her friends at a bar.  Sarah was all festive and happy, celebrating the big 36 in style with the counselor and her few closest friends.  The counselor sat quietly next to me and listened to the stories we all had and laughed while he had his arm around me.  Pictures were snapped here and there to capture the festivities.  Each picture had him sitting close to me with his cheek pressed to mine.  "I can't wait to put these on facebook."  I said.  In my drunken stupor, I remember his comment very clearly "uh, don't tag me in these photos, ok?  I am very private." 

Again, not sure why the red flag did not go up, but it did after my friends told me every time he got up to go to the bathroom, he was on his phone with someone.  I was in a state of Jack Daniels induced freedom of any care in the world, so I didn't even notice.  "ok sweetie, you go to the bathroom for the 27th time this hour and I will continue to molest my shot glass of amnesia" 

Not my proudest moment in the life, I know.  But hey, you all have a few of the "what was I thinking" moments in your dating life too. 

The counselor became more and more testy over the next few weeks.  What was originally supposed to be a July finalization to his divorce turned into an August, then September, then another fight came out between him and the wife about something.  I won't go too much into the details....but I do know that for anyone that has experienced the pain of divorce will tell you they would never want to go through that again.  Regardless of if it is your pain or someone Else's.  It is kind of like when you break a bone.  You know the pain it created, the time it took to heal and you tend to baby that appendage for a long time in caution of hurting it again.  You really change the entire way you walk, move and every step you take,  in fear of injuring it again.  After a while, your confidence builds and you know that you can walk normal and not really let it consume  your thoughts.  Well, the same is true of your heart.  The pain that comes with divorce is mind numbing, and to have to experience it first hand again is something that you try to keep at arms length, hell football fields length if at all possible.  The more he talked to me about the fights they were having and the arguments, the more it brought my personal pain back out of hibernation.  A pain that I had put my blood sweat and tears into putting behind me.  I just couldn't deal with it again. 

We finally met for dinner one night.  I remember sitting by my car, tears streaming down my face at my words.  "It's not that I don't want to be there for you, but I don't feel you are ready to be in a relationship until the one you are in is over.  You need time to fix you right now."  And then the last sentence came out more spiteful than I wanted it to...

"Maybe you shouldn't be on a dating website if you aren't ready to date." 

And like the first night I met him, I slid into the seat of my car and watched him stand there and stare at me while I drove away.  Professional or not, a guy of any type can break  your heart.