Today I posted something on Facebook about how my ex and his wife were winning at the parenting thing. I think it was something along the lines of "Ex husband and new wife that are able to make my son a big brother 100 points. Sarah 0 points."
Let me explain what my thinking was behind this.
I had no intention of writing that post so that everyone would feel like they had to pump me up. I mean, I am so thankful for those that did. I received so many comments on that post. The number of people, I think 30 total, reached out to me and said so many wonderful things. Inspiring thing to make me stop and go "you know, they are right, I AM a great mom." And there were a few people that personally messaged me and I want to say thank you to those people as well. Just think, for a moment I was not funny, I was not sarcastic, I was honest and put my feelings out there that I felt really crappy and I wanted to just tell everyone.
The time that I have with my son is great. I am very thankful for how much fun we have together. We have nerf gun fights, we run, we swim, we watch movies that make me go "oh my GOD you have to watch this part." But more than anything, we laugh, we talk, we have a great time.
What I cannot give him is a big screen tv so that he can play his x box games.
I cannot take one of the spare three bedrooms in the house and make them into a playroom.
I cannot be there at his school at 2:30 in the afternoon to watch his plays.
I cannot coach his baseball team.
I am not able to stay home and be there when he walks in the door from his first day at his new school.
I cannot let him jump around and dance in the living room because we have downstairs neighbors and I want to make sure that we are considerate.
And I cannot be the one to give him the first glimpse of his first sibling. I am not the one holding the camera staring down at that little boy while he holds her for the first time and whispers "Hi little girl. I am your big brother and I will take care of you always." I am not the one, hell I am not even THERE to witness that. I am instead sitting at my desk, at work, at a hotel, staring at my iPhone at the picture and thinking "ugh, that should have been me!!"
Now some of you will say "be happy for them. Be happy for him." I am happy for them. I think I have offered more support and gracious posts and comments then most ex wives have. I have been more than thankful for this amazing women that has come into my son's life that just wants to love him. But I will never stop wishing that I could be the one to give him all the happiness in his life.
Is it unrealistic?
You bet your ass it is.
But ask any parent and they will say they want to protect their child from any pain. Now ask them if they want to be there during the parts where they get to experience happiness too.
Imagine it this way.
You are a parent, and your child is going to Disney world for the first time,, but they are going with your brother and his family. You are all excited for your child and pump them up about what they are going to see and then you kiss them on the head and give them a big hug because "oh my GOD you are going to the best place on earth." Then they leave and go on vacation, and you are at work one day just doing your thing, and you get a text message from your brother and there is a photo that makes your heart skip a beat. Your child, standing in front of Cinderella's castle, with the biggest smile you have ever seen. "wish you were here" is the caption that graces the picture. You immediately feel this pain in your heart that makes you go "oh, I wish I could have been there to see his reaction." Then you talk to your child the next day and you have the most informative 13 second conversation about all of the things they saw and how much fun they are having and oh Mom, I can't wait till tomorrow because we are going to go to Epcot......
Your heart sinks. You are happy for them, but you are also envious. You wanted to be the one that is sitting next to him and saying "I remember your face when you..." instead of "wow, I bet that was amazing."
It is painful. To be missing something that brought such an amazing reaction.
And you can never go back.
You can never be that person that takes them back to Disney and gets to hear that amazing "gasp" when they see Mickey for the first time.
You are now just the audience.
And that is ok. I have to learn that this is how my life is going to be. A series of stories that my son tells me. Sometimes I will be part of the plot, sometimes I will simply be the person that turns the page. But more than anything, I will always be there to hear his stories.
I didn't really know what to expect when she was expecting. There is no book for the "other mother." There are tons of books on how to coparent how to be a new parent, but very little on what to do as the original parent. Do I sit back, do I wave my hands in a crazy "here I am motion" and stomp my foot and say "what about me?"
My friend Emily said it best to me tonight.."I get it, they're creating apple pie family world and it's all you want. And you try to be that kick ass mom and bust your ass, but how exactly am I getting left behind?"
She took the words right out of my heart.
I am trying to be the best I can be. I am trying so hard to be so much to him, and all I hear about is how great his dad and his step mom are and how much they have to offer him.
So I tell myself...
I know he loves me. I know that I am mom, and that trumps everything. I know that he loves me unconditionally and that even though I won't be there to share every moment with him, that I will be the first person he calls whether he is sad or happy.
Being the audience is ok...I need to realize that I don't need to play the main role in his happiness. I need to learn to let go and let him have moments. Moments with other people that do not even concern me. I need to let go and sit in the back row and just...observe.
I don't have the big screen tv...I don't have the spare bedroom, but I do have that little man's heart. And that fills up more space than a mansion could ever hold.
