One fine day, I was on my "man shopping" website, and I came across a guy that caught my attention. He had dark hair, glasses, a strong jaw, and he was wearing the most important thing EVER....
scrubs and a stethoscope.
I think "if guys only realized how much they could improve their chances by doing any of the following things in their profile picture...."
1. standing in front of a fire truck with their uniform on
2. holding any child, walking them to school, playing any type of game with a kid, kids up the worth of a single guy to us second time single gals.
3. sports such as rock climbing, rowing, or running increase the hotness factor. Be careful though, because some sports photos can come out a bit douchey.
4. mentioning that you are from another country like Spain, England or New Zealand. Accents are a huge plus.
5. holding a guitar or playing the piano
6. wearing a lab coat or scrubs of any kind. Pictures of you in both will give you major points.
This guy was an emergency room doctor. There was a group photo of him and a couple of other doctors on his profile, and immediately I was intrigued. Even though he was wearing crocs and had messy hair, the fact that he had a stethoscope around his neck was enough of a draw for me.
We started to email each other, as you do in this crazy dating thing, and we asked the same old stupid questions you normally do on a dating website.
so, what do you do? (stupid question on my part as he was obviously a doctor and not a ventriloquist)
What do you like to do for fun?
do you drink? (God please say yes, I cannot date a guy that will be raising his eyebrow at me as I lick the inside of my bottle of jack at the end of the night)
where do you like to hang out (hope he doesn't say anything that ends in the word "spoke" or "tavern")
do you smoke? (because if you don't I may have to have to carry a bottle of mouthwash with me all the time and be forced to shave my tongue or scrub my skin with a Brillo pad and a bottle of bleach before every date)
have you ever killed anyone or do you own lots of duct tape and or have a secret room with padded walls hidden in the back of your closet?
We emailed each other and he seemed very outgoing and funny and yet...now that I think about it, he NEVER asked me any questions about me. I mean, what if I had a secret room with padded walls hidden in the back of my closet?
After a few emails, we decided to have our first date. He asked if I liked coffee, and I asked him if the Pope was Catholic. He asked if I wanted to meet somewhere for coffee before he had to go to work for the night. I thought PERFECT. That way if I like him, I can daydream about him doing open heart surgery or removing a machete from someone's skull. AND..if I HATE him, then I can bail on him without having to make up some lame excuse or fake spill coffee in my lap so I have to go home. (yes, done that!!)
I decide at that moment to ask for his phone number and plan on talking on the phone with him first.
Might I add, I would STRONGLY suggest this prior to going on a blind date, because frankly it's like renting a car. You just never know what you are going to end up with. Here is a little background on a similar story...
I realized that this was a MUST when I first started doing the online dating thing and I met a guy that resembled the captain of the football team meets James Dean. He was good looking, had pictures of him with his kid (as explained before...big points) Well, he asked me if I wanted to go for a drink sometime and I said, sure. But something in me said it would be a good idea to talk to him and see if we had any connections first. I called him and was not prepared for what was on the other end. Now, I do not have any problem with speech impediments or anything like that, but you should warn a girl, right? This guy had to have suffered some kind of brain injury in the past, because he had this very noticeable issue with his speech. I think it would have been easier to handle if he would have warned me about it. But, that was not the bad thing, the bad thing was that his daughter was in the background SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS THAT SHE WANTED ICE CREAM AND SHE WANTED IT NOWWWWWWW!!! Yes, it was the crabby whiny kid that bugged me more than the speech issue.
Regardless of all that...I was glad I spoke to him on the phone first.
So, back to the doctor.
We decide to talk on the phone prior to meeting the next night. He was going to go to work at the Hospital at 8, so we would meet at 6 for coffee at Whole foods. This was during the height of popularity for Grey's anatomy, so I was expecting Patrick Dempsey to pick me up in a porshe and drive me through the valleys of Texas.
This is how the conversation went. I have edited the version to be a little bit more pc, but I think you get the gist of it.
"Hey this is doctor....what IS UP GIRLIO??"
Girlio? Did he just call me girlio?
"oh man, I had A EFFED UP DAY!! THIS CHIC I WORK WITH IS SUCH A EFFING RUNT,
He takes a deep breath, I envision him leaning back into a folding chair, his fake bake tan the color of brownies when they get out of the oven and start to crack.
Just did he just say what I think he said?
"uhm, wow, what...what....what happe...?"
I start to say what I think should sound like me being completely shocked yet empathetic to this jack ass at the same time.
He interrupts me
"yeah, this effing Runt of a bitch that I work with. She just kills me. I just want to strangle her sometimes."
He starts to trail off for about ten minutes about how this doctor he works with is challenging his bedside manner. I hold the phone away from my mouth so he cannot hear the gasps as he drops "f" bomb after "f" bomb. I begin to imagine he works at a truck stop somewhere on I 35 and wonder how quickly I can get off the phone with him.
"so, when we meet for coffee, do you mind if I wear my scrubs? Either that or I might wear a tank top. Do you like tattoos?"
My thoughts go to a guy wearing a Ron Jon surf shop tank with a white coral necklace.
"Uhm, I don't mind tattoos, but..."
he interrupts again
"yeah, 'cause I got a lot of 'em. I got one this time when I was....."
I set the phone down and slap my hand over my head. What have I gotten myself into? I pick up the phone again and hear....
"and then the third tattoo is from a trip I went to back in 02 with a bunch of buddies and we got all "effing" rocked this one night and..."
I set the phone down and make a sandwich.
When I return I hear, "and then the bitch tries to tell me that I don't know what I am doing when it comes to haemophilia's influenza...."
I look at the vacuum and think about cleaning my house.
have I said one word yet?
Has he asked me anything about myself?
And then it comes...."so do you work out a lot? I mean, what kind of body do you have?"
I look down at my fluffy robe and sweatpants.
It is time this ends.
"cause I like to work out, you know...you will be able to tell that I work out when you meet me tomorrow night. I belong to a gym over on 6th...."
I become even more bored and pray for the last twenty minutes of my life back.
"ok, so...you have a kid, right?"
I pray to God that this man will NEVER meet my kid and search for a way to get him off the phone with me.
"yes I do, and actually have to put him to bed now." Never mind that it is 10 pm at night, and I had already mentioned that I did not have him tonight because he was with his dad.
"oh, cool, Ok, well, see you tomorrow night."
I hang up with him and sit on the edge of my bed with an expression that resembled someone just telling me that Santa Claus was caught riding a chicken outside my front door wearing a sombrero.
I texted him later the next day and said "Doctor, I feel that you and I have NOTHING in common and I am going to politely turn down your offer to meet you later today. Good luck to you."
His reply back was simply.."you have no idea what you are missing."
If you are referring to increasing my use of the "f" bomb and knowledge of 90's apparel....than I think I am ok missing out on that one.