In all the years I have been writing this blog, I have never written anything directly to you. But as I sit here in the quiet of my dining room, I am filled with feelings of love for the one man that has been a constant love in my life. And as I sit here at my computer, I think about all the things I hope and dream for you.
I hope that I never forget you sitting indian style on the living room floor, orange covered fingers dipping into your flaming hot cheetos while cartoons are blaring on the tv.
I hope that you never stop racing cars up and down the couch, making the noises that little boys make of squealing tires and noisy car crashes.
I hope to always remember the sounds of your breath as you sleep next to me, stirring quietly, dreaming of swinging on swings and jumping into the cold waters of the pool.
I want to always remember the smile and wave you give me as you leave the car and walk into school, never knowing the amount of trust I put into the people that spend so many hours with you everyday.
I hope to always know the feeling I feel when I walk into day care and pick you up and the light that comes into your eyes when you see me, running toward me yelling "mama".
The feeling of pride as you hold doors open for people, at only eight years old you are becoming the gentleman I always hoped you would be.
How you look at me when I feel I am at my worse and say "My mama is so beautiful." Those words mean more to me than any words I have ever heard.
How I look at you when you interact with people and the amount of kindness you have in your heart towards other people. I watch shows of young children that are mean and ruthless and realize just how lucky I am to have you in my life.
May you someday know the amount of love that a parent can have for a child. May you understand the feeling of complete willingness to give up everything you know, you have, you want just for the love of your child.
How you are willing to make decisions in your life that are best for the both of you, rather than in the years of my life where I only did things that were best for me. May you understand what true sacrifice means.
May you feel the pride in your heart when someone tells you how amazing your child is and how kind he is.
I hope you understand someday, the feeling of pride as you go to the store to buy something for yourself only to find yourself in the toy section milling over which matchbox car or x box game would make you the happiest.
May you know the moment of bliss where simple things like a child saying "thanks for getting my clothes ready for me in the morning, mom. I love you!!" make your day.
How Friday nights that once consisted of large amounts of mascara and primping for a night out on the town now give way to nights of sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn watching a Pixar film.
May you understand the moment where work is hell and you cannot go another day yet you continue to go forward so you can provide all the best for your child because he is depending on you.
How, as a parent, you may really want that trip to Vegas, but sports camp is something you really really want to do this summer because all your friends are going to be there.
How you want nothing more to sleep in on a Saturday, but you find yourself sitting on the sidelines of your child's game cheering them on with so much pride you could explode.
May you understand that no matter what life gives you, no matter what choices you make, they MUST have the best interest of your child at heart. You are no longer in charge of your heart as it is driven by a smaller version of you.
Should you someday meet a girl, I hope she understands that I will have very high expectations as nobody will be good enough for my son.
When you get your heart broken, know that I will be there to hold you, cry with you, and know that I will be calling her not so nice names under my breath, as she will never know someone as wonderful as you.
If you should come to me someday and tell me you are in love and going to ask her to marry you, know that my heart will break just a little, but then fill with so much love and admiration for the woman that you have chosen to call your wife. She will have to be amazing if you have chosen her.
And know that the moment you look into the eyes of your child for the first time, the moment you cradle that small miracle in your hands, and finally understand all these things that I am writing out for you here, ...that I will be in awe of you. Just like I am...right at this moment.
No matter what age you are, no matter what part of your life you are in, I hope you know that I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. And you may not understand that now, as you lay in your super hero sheets, clutching onto a stuffed chicken, dreaming of happy meals and roller coasters. But I know that you will understand it one day...until then, I will be picking up the race cars off the living room floor, throwing away the empty juice box's and thanking God for choosing me to be your mama.
