the most boring date ever

this is a story about the most boring date ever. 

My intentions are to make this blog post rather boring, so that you may experience exactly the amount of pain I endured during this date.

His name was Matt, and he was one of my very first dates out of the divorce gate.  He looked like Bill Pullman and had the same sweet look that the actor had.  I saw his picture and was immediately drawn to him.  In his profile were four pictures.  One that had him in his mom's backyard, complete with a boring back drop of an elm tree and a boring grill.  He was wearing boring jeans and had on a boring polo shirt.  The second one was of him and his boring dog.  The third was of him playing a boring game of golf and the fourth had him holding a beer drinking with friends....that one did not look boring.

So, I contacted him.

In the beginning, I had no idea that you were supposed to talk to the guy first.  I just figured you emailed them "how would you like to meet for a drink sometime?"  I was gutsy, I was fearless.  I wanted to get a date and I was convinced that he was going to be the man of my boring dreams.

He emailed me back and it just so happened that he had a daughter about Sam's age.  We emailed each other a few times and agreed to go see a movie and then go out for a beer.  Now, the weird thing about going to a movie on a first date is that you meet outside the theater, and the most conversation you have in the first five minutes is if you want butter on your popcorn or not.  (of course I did not order butter, I did not want to appear as if I were a fat ass)  We decided to see a movie that was supposed to be super funny and got great reviews.  It was a guy movie, so I figured that it would be right up his alley.  I mean, I am the kind of girl that can sit and watch a movie with topless girls in it and not freak out.  I can also deal with the occasional swear word and male actor gawking at strippers on the big screen.  I have no issues with this.....but when you sit down to a movie like the Hangover, you need to be prepared for some pretty crued humor.

The first few minutes of the movie, we were laughing. He would chuckle here and there and I did that akward "what do I do with my hands am I supposed to hold his hand but they are kind of sweaty" thing.   Girls learn to lean into a guy and move around enough so that their legs would touch for a moment, hoping that he will place his hand on your thigh.  It is at this moment that the way he touches you gives you an idea of how interested he is in you.  If he just graces your leg, then retracts immediately, he is either not interested in you and looking for the closest emergency exit or just plain chicken shit.  If he touches your leg then lets it rest there, he is probably immediately imagining what you look like naked.  Ok, so my male friends tell me that THAT happens in the first 10 seconds of meeting you. 

Holding hands during a movie is just weird.  Unless you are dating someone, and you can wrap your arms around theirs, I advise you don't do it.  Because there is the moment you need to move and stop holding hands with someone.  Then, you just think to yourself, "why did he not want to hold my hand anymore?  Does he not like me?" 

Obviously, girls do not pay attention to the movie much and just analyze every move you make.  If you go to the bathroom in the middle of the movie, you wonder if he is going to come back.  If you make a lot of noise during the movie (like clear your throat constantly or cough a lot) that is annoying.  And God forbid if you are the movie talker.  The one that leans in five minutes into the movie and says "I know what is going to happen"  then we just want to get up and move four seats over so you don't ruin it for us. 

Well, the movie continues and we sit there, not touching each other AT ALL, and the funny parts start.  I, along with the audience, am laughing my ASS OFF.  There is one part where I am crying I am laughing so hard, and I look over and he has one hand covering his mouth and a look of absolute horror on his face. 

HE IS NOT LAUGHING.

Not just "this is kind of stupid humor and I will laugh here and there".  No, he is just absolutely horrified at this movie and it all of a sudden makes me stop laughing.  Like the moment someone drops the "f" bomb around your grandmother...you have this amazing sense of uncomfortable-ness.  No, this guy looked like he just watched a drunk guy walk into an all you can eat buffet and then peed on the crab legs. 

It was horrible. 

If you have ever seen the Hangover, you know that the best part of the movie is the end.  It is also quite vulgar and crude.  He was standing in the aisle at this point of the movie, glancing at his watch while I did my twittering laugh that I do when I can't stop.  I take a deep breath, gain my composure and visually high five three frat boys in the corner of the theater.  At least they thought it was funny.  Maybe I should date one of them.  I could slip one of them my number on the way out and we could meet up after this crappy date. 

We walk out to the parking lot and he shuffles his feet nervously.  I imagine him running to his car and barely waving goodbye at me.  "so, you wanna go get a drink?"  He asks me quickly.  I stop myself from answering my practiced "well it was nice to meet you" speech I was prepared to say and stop mid sentence.  "uhm...." you have got to be kidding me..."ok." 

We decide to go to a bar right by my house called Docs.  It is a cool night and we sit outside on the patio.  I longingly look over at the other smokers as I feel my box of Marlboro ultra lights burning a hole in my purse. This guy probably doesn't drink milk if it's past the expiration date, he would fall over in his chair if I lit up.  I will make it through this one drink then fake an emergency colonoscopy. 

The drink conversation was like watching a tutorial on how to open a gallon of milk. 

Me: "so, crazy movie huh?" 
          Him: "yeah , kind of." 
Me: "it didn't seem like you liked it much, did it offend you." 
          Him "no, I thought it was hysterical." 
Me:  Liar (thinking, not saying)  "so, what was your bachelor party like, was it crazy like that?" 
          Him "well...."   He sits back, takes a drink of his beer, I age ten years...."we floated the river".  He starts to laugh to himself about something that I believe will be revealed as the cliffhanger.  He simply moans and says "yeah..." 
Me:  "pretty crazy day doing the float the river thing?"  I look at him all wide eyed, expecting to hear something that will floor me, hoping the profile pic of him drinking the beer is not the only time he has had fun. 
        Him: "oh, yeah, I had a couple of beers and only wore sunscreen with spf 15." 
Me:  (thinking, not saying)  wow..you live on the edge buddy.  Did you go home and remove the tag off your mattress later that night?  You crazy guy you. 

I stare at my beer which is about 3/4 full, and hope I can stomach the rest of this night.  Each painful moment of silence and his one word answers bring me closer to wanting to jump into traffic. 

Me:  "so how old is your daughter?" 
      Him  "five"
Me:  waiting for more information......then nothing. "so, you said you are in computer programming?" 
     Him  "yep"
Me:  still no further information provided.  Man, this guy is about as easy to break as tupperware. 
I sit back and decide to slam my beer, at least this night will be done soon.  He finishes his beer, opens his mouth to speak then NOTHIN...

I start to pick up my purse and check for the quickest way to get to my car when he speaks the most he has spoken all night.  "you want another beer?  I think I am going to have one." 

Are you freaking kidding me?  I just entertained myself by counting the number of napkin dispensers versus ketchup bottles on the tables and you want me to sit through another beer?  "uhm, ok." 

We order another beer.  I am quietly cursing the cocktail waitress for not being there at my beck and call when we want another beer.  She brings the beers and I glance over at the shiny bottles behind the bar wondering which one I can steal and down in less than 30 seconds to make it through this root canal, I mean date. 

I cannot even remember what we talked about, but I do know that made it through all the popular one word answers known to man. 

Yep.
Nope.
uh huh
six
four
crayons

Whatever our conversation was, I know when the last sip of beer was taken, I grabbed my purse and stood up.  "well, I have to work in the morning, so I should probably go."  What I wanted to say was "I have boxes of cereal in my cupboard more interesting than you." 

He walked me out to my car and I looked at him blankly. 
Him:  "I had a lot of fun."
Me:  are you kidding me?  There is an anesthesiologist somewhere saying "I gotta get this guy on my team." 

Needless to say, we did not go out again.  I imagine him on his next date staring off into space, his date quietly counting the number of ceiling tiles in the restaurant.  I think I might meet her up for a beer instead.